Mean Gene the dancing machine petitions the Big Ten

Reid Compton-US PRESSWIRE

Hey, it worked for the Sugar Bowl. Why not for a potential B1G championship game? {warning: adult language ahead}

Setting: B1G Commissioner Jim Delany's office, which has temporarily been relocated to the back office of Satriale's Delicatessen on the outskirts of Cicero, IL. Delany is in a foul mood, mostly due to the fact that Indiana, after beating Wisconsin and Purdue in 2 of their last 3 games, is getting ready to play in the B1G Championship game against Nebraska.

Sitting across the desk from Delany is OSU AD Gene Smith.

Gene_smith_medium Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Commissioner. It's been far too long.

Delany_medium//holds out hand with big ass ring on it

Gene_smith_medium//grabs hand, kisses ring

Delany_medium What the hell do you want now, Gene-O? Every time I see you, my conference goes to shit. First it was tattoos. 'Is that all there is?', I ask. 'Of course it is', you say. Then it was tattoos and memorabilia. 'Is that it?', I again inquire. 'That's it', you say. And now look where we are.

Gene_smith_medium Don't forget the hidden email. Or our awesome press conference explaining it all.

Delany_medium Oh, who could forget that Kabuki dick dance? Trust me, I won't.

Gene_smith_medium Me either. You should've seen the look on your face when I told you about that email.

Delany_medium Did it look like a remarkable combination of being pissed off and constipated, all at the same time?

Gene_smith_medium Uhhhhh, kinda.

Delany_medium Good, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT FUCKING WAS!!! AND NOW I HAVE A GODDAMN ULCER THE SIZE OF PASADENA BECAUSE INDI-FUCKING-ANA IS ONE BO PELINI BACKHAND TO TAYLOR MARTINEZ OF BEING IN THE GODDAMN GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL.

Gene_smith_medium Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.

Delany_medium Really? The last time an AD in this conference wanted to 'talk to me about something', the next thing I knew Mark Emmert was crawling up Penn State's ass with a microscope.

Gene_smith_medium Uh, phrasing boss.

Delany_medium SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OR I SWEAR TO GOD WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME!!!!

Gene_smith_medium I love games! What's the name of the game?

Delany_medium It's called the "I'm Woody Hayes and Gene-O is a first down marker" game.

Gene_smith_medium That doesn't sound like a very fun game.

Delany_medium Really, because I think it sounds about as fun as watching Indiana in the goddamn Rose Bowl. Do you realize what Oregon State is going to do to them?

Gene_smith_medium Treat them like a five dollar hooker?

Delany_medium No, a two dollar hooker.

Gene_smith_medium Man, that shit'll give a guy crabs. Not that I'd know, or anything.

Gene_smith_medium //furiously scratches crotch

Delany_medium ...

Gene_smith_medium ...

Delany_medium ...

Gene_smith_medium What?

Delany_medium//opens drawer, slides bottle of body de-louser across the desk

Delany_medium Picked a bottle of this up when I was whoring in Tijuana one night. Apply liberally, you'll thank me later. So, what the hell do you want?

Gene_smith_medium Well, it's about Indiana. I have an idea about that.

Gene_smith_medium//stands up, unzips pants, and applies liberally

Delany_medium Not HERE, you FUCKING MORON! JESUS, HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE A JOB?

Gene_smith_medium Um, I don't know?

Delany_medium It was a rhetorical question. Just...just put your pants back on and tell me what you want.

Gene_smith_medium Here's the deal. We're undefeated. We are in first place in the division. We're eligible to be named division winners. Why not just say 'fuck it' and let us play in Indianapolis?

Delany_medium You can't be serious. Remember what happened the last time you asked me to go to bat for your school?

Gene_smith_medium Uhhhhh, the charity softball game last summer?

Delany_medium NO YOU STUPID JACKASS! IT WAS BEFORE THE SUGAR BOWL! I'M STILL LIVING THAT ONE DOWN AT THE COMMISSIONER'S MEETINGS!!

Gene_smith_medium Really? I figured you'd be getting a lot more shit about Penn State. A LOT. Or maybe Purdue. They're terrible. Wait, no one's giving you a hard time about ILOLinois? Really? They're not even good enough to be in the MAC.

Delany_medium Michigan State's barely better than the MAC this year.

Gene_smith_medium Which is why you should let us play in Indy. We're the only team worth a broke dog's dick in this conference this year. Look, let us go to Indy. We'll wear a Nike Pro Combat uniform that looks like the German Wermacht, Nebraska can wear ones that look like the French, and we'll all pretend it's May 1940 for three hours. Instead of a football game, we'll call it a WWII re-enactment. The end result will be the same.

Delany_medium But then what? You can't go to the Rose Bowl, primarily because you had the biggest miscalculation since Geraldo Rivera decided to open Al Capone's vault on live TV. What do I do then?

Gene_smith_medium Well, I don't know. You're the commissioner, you think of something.

Office_intercom_medium ..bzzzzzzz..Mr. Delany? Mr. Delany?

Delany_medium..Yes, Mrs. Wiggins, what is it?

Office_intercom_medium ...bzzzzzz...There's a Mr. Pellinning..Pelegrino...there's a raving lunatic here. It's hard to make out his name through all the spittle and swearing.

Delany_medium...That must be Mr. Pelini. Send him in.

Screaming_pelini_medium RAWRFUCKPISSWEWANTINDIANAFUCKOHIOSTATECHEATERSFUCKPISSRAWRRAWR

Delany_mediumGene_smith_medium//wipes spittle off face

Delany_medium Jesus Bo. Calm down.

Screaming_pelini_medium RAWRCOCKSUCKERASSMUNCHERTHISISMEONEHUNDREDFUCKINGPERCENT

CALMRAWRRAWR

Delany_mediumGene_smith_medium//wipes spittle off of face

Delany_medium Look, Bo. Gene might actually be on to something here. Either way, you guys are going to go to Pasadena. What's the big deal on whether or not you play Indiana or OSU?

Screaming_pelini_medium BECAUSEOSUBEATUSBY654FUCKINGGODDAMNCOCKSUCKINGPOINTSANDIWILLPUBLICLYEXECUTE

TAYLORMARTINEZIFTHATHAPPENSAGAINRAWRFUCKPISSFUCKRAWR

Delany_medium You will do NO SUCH THING GODDAMN IT. I don't need murder added to the 'shit schools in my conference have done over the last two years' list.

Laughing_pelini_medium I'm just clowning, bro. We're good.

Delany_medium If you ever call me 'bro' again, I swear to God the only coaching job you'll get is Masturbation Coordinator in the NAIA.

Delany_medium //holds out hand with big ass ring on it

Somber_pelini_medium//grabs hand, kisses ring

Somber_pelini_medium I'm sorry, Mr. Commissioner. It will not happen again.

Delany_medium Good. Now Bo, for the sake of the family, you'll play Ohio State, and you'll accept the consequences. Because your reward will be a trip to Pasadena either way.

Screaming_pelini_medium FUCKASSHOLEWHATEVERWILLWEBEATLEASTALLOWEDTOWINTHEROSEBOWLGAME?

Delany_medium No, of course not. We're the B1G. It is a New Year's tradition that on New Year's Day that families in the Midwest gather around their televisions to watch the B1G team used as a sacrificial lamb in southern California. You will uphold that tradition, do you understand me?

Somber_pelini_medium Yes, Mr. Commissioner.

Gene_smith_medium Sweet, it's settled then. We play in the B1G championship, kick Nebraska's ass again, then they go to Pasadena. Urban, is there anything you want to say?

Meyer_smiling_medium Yeah. Winter is coming, bitches. Winter is coming.

Meyer_smiling_medium //holds out hand with two big ass national championship rings on it

Somber_pelini_medium//grabs hand, kisses ring

Delany_medium //grabs hand, kisses ring

Gene_smith_medium//grabs hand, kisses ring

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