With the Scarlet and Gray game kicking off later on today, there's a couple things you should be doing in preparation:
1) Drink and tailgate, so we are in game shape come fall.
2) Text something highly appropriate to any Michigan friends. I told my buddie Sharpie to go masturbate a Wolverine earlier.
3) Get ready for the transition from the Senator to the Urbanator.
And that is where 'Know Your Cliche' will come in handy for you, the avid Buckeye follower. Urban Meyer says a lot, and although we've had more frank talk from Urban in five months than we got from Jim Tressel in 10 years, a lot of what he says is wrapped in cliches. And you have to understand what those cliches mean if you are going to become fluent in Meyerspeak.
"We went really hard out there, but we could do better" means I feel sorry for them when I get them alone, because I thought their effort sucked. When Pantoni is done with them come Monday morning, they're going to wish they had been taken prisoner on Corregidor and been a charter member of the Bataan Death March Club. We all pray that we don't hear that phrase, for the sake of the team. O/U on hearing this phrase: 2.5 times
"We're going to have fun with the Spring Game" means this is going to be as close to a real game as I can make it, and God have mercy on the team that loses. The last thing this is going to be is fun for the losers, because they'll be pulling weeds out of Buckeye Grove with their teeth.
"We've got to clean some things up" means Urb thinks OSU would have a hard time beating a high school team, but in fact they would beat a high school team by a score of 362-0. Because Urban Meyer is the coach, and Urban Meyer will not tolerate beating a high school team by less than 300 points. Or Indiana.
"Our tempo isn't where it needs to be yet" means Urb plans on hanging 50 on everyone every week, and this shit ain't gonna cut it, yo. But it will. Oh yes, it will. You may throw up 407 times at the end of each practice from pure, by God exhaustion by the time we get to the first game, but you will be made ready.
"The enthusiasm was where it needed to be" means this team is ready to go 100 miles an hour, but Urb's just not quite sure in what direction. It could be in the right direction, but it could just as easily be a typical Joe Bauserman pass. We're like Bull Durham's Nuke LaLoosh right now. They could throw a strike, or hit the bull.
"I'm still concerned about our receivers" means Urb has serious doubts as to whether any wide receiver will catch a single pass all year.
"John Simon was relentless out there" means John Simon was relentless out there. Because John Simon is a beast. A relentless beast that will make opposing quarterbacks pee themselves.
"I liked what I saw from Braxton" means Braxton Miller will make you weep tears of joy before he leaves Columbus.
Now, is this an all encompassing list? No, no it is not. But this is a good primer, and a solid foundation for any drinking game. So enjoy your OSU spring game, and feel free to add any of your own cliches and interpretations as they come up today.
The OSU Spring game will be broadcast live on Channel Delany, aka the Big Ten Network starting at 1:30 EST.