On The Recruiting Trail

"Let me film you talking about film of some kid you may have seen play in person against marginally athletic sixteen-to-eighteen year olds that one time."

I think I'm over recruiting once again. Like a petulant child who received a new Mercedes Benz on his 16th birthday, I have already grown bored with my new toy. The recruiting process has always been skeezy to me, but that's only because I find grown-ass coaches lying to 16, 17, and 18 year-old kids to be quite creepy. I've also never entirely been sure about other grown men who chase those same teenagers around to pester them for their "school rankings".

Like almost everything in 21st century America, it appears college football recruiting has once again been reduced to the lowest common denominator.

I had never heard of Logan Tulley-Tillman, but I wasn't surprised when a Michigan recruit lit an offer from Ohio State on fire. (Brady Hoke seems to have a knack for recruiting guys who like the feeling of wind slamming into their gums.) As somebody who knows a few things about juvenile troll attempts, I shrugged. If the Ohio State-Michigan game was decided on empty words and piss-ant shenanigans, I might be worried about the new regime up north.

You would think, since this episode was merely an extension of other Michigan recruits' actions, Ohio State fans would take it in stride. It was such a juvenile grab for attention; I figured most Ohio State fans would see right through it. Of course, I was probably expecting too much thought from the mouth-breathing wing of the Ohio State fan base. (These are the same savants who came to the defense of a pedophile spamming over 120+ past, present, and future Ohio State footballers with a generic Muhammed Ali quote about training.)

I'm trying to envision how pathetic my life would be in order to cuss-out a 17-year old in public. I'm having a hard time doing it, which says a lot, because I have $94 dollars to my name and I haven't eaten anything but Snickers bars for the last week. The people who are hunting down 17-year olds on Twitter to give them a piece of their mind must not realize they're producing a de facto state of their own lives address in the process.

As a Marionaire, there are few things which make me feel at home more than seedy underworlds, but recruiting is just too much for me. Ohio State pays talented folks a lot of money to recruit talented football players. My cheering, scrutinizing and worrying about which teens are going to don the Scarlet and Grey will have zero effect on the outcome.

What's the point of following recruiting? Until a player actually produces between the white lines, how much can truly be discerned and judged? I understand why blogs follow it -- and I laugh at people who make their customers subscribe for this kind of information -- but I personally don't really understand how people can follow this stuff religiously. I've followed it basically since Urban Meyer was hired, and I already want to blow my brains out.

The worst part is the circus is only going to get more and more absurd. Hell, Ohio State basketball just offered a white dude who's graduating high school in 2015 and we have recruits twitpicing their pyromancy. As social media continues it's explosion and recruits become more accessible, I can already see the fat white guys lining up to cuss out some 7th grader over the internet because he chose to attend Michigan's summer camp over Ohio State's.

Come to think, I don't even know why I'm complaining. The hordes, you know, those that want it anyways, can have their vapid retweets of teenagers, shadowy network of text-messaging and message board speculation. This leaves a much wider space for my own internet ramblings.

Cheers, recruitniks!

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