Ohio State's football season is almost over, and we're rapidly running out of things to hate. Today's opponent continues Ohio State's tour of the Dregs of the Big Ten with Indiana, a school that hasn't beaten Ohio State since I was 1, and as far as football is concerned, has been a bigger afterthought than any other school in recent history, even Northwestern. On the surface, this would seem to make Indiana a difficult school to hate.
Well, that's only if you aren't looking hard enough. There are plenty of reasons to hate Indiana, because Indiana sucks. Let's go through them together.
This is the worst possible team to play with "schedule concerns" on the line.
I don't want this to be another article about Ohio State's desperate need for STYLE POINTS or SCHEDULE STRENGTH, since they occupy a greater share of the internet than porn at this point. Suffice it to say, Buckeye fans probably wish they had somebody a little stronger at this point on the slate. Ohio State beating Indiana in football hasn't quite reached death and taxes level of automatic, but it's close. The all time series history between the two schools? 69-12-5, in favor of the Buckeyes. NINE of those wins happens before 1950 though.
Indiana blew the Buckeyes out in 1988 and 1987. You have to go back to 1951 to find the next most recent Hoosier victory. Over the course of this series, the Hoosiers have averaged a paltry 10.4 points per game. The Buckeyes have scored at least 30 points in this game nine times in a row. Since 1990, the Hoosiers have cracked the 20 point mark only three times. TL:DR, Ohio State always stomps Indiana.
This year will probably not be any different. It's Senior Night in Columbus, the Hoosiers are giving up nearly 40 points per game, and find themselves 32 point underdogs. Ohio State should obliterate them in what ought to be an exciting and fulfilling game, and then we'll have to read about why IT WASN'T ENOUGH. Dammit Indiana, this is your fault, and you're the worst.
As a state, Indiana is just the worst
When you first have the misfortune of driving across the Indiana state line, you see signs that say INDIANA: THE CROSSROADS OF AMERICA. This is the nicest thing anybody has said about the state of Indiana. Instead of promoting a famous cultural artifact, or a statewide achievement, all Indiana can do is remind you that "WE'RE THE STATE YOU HAVE TO GET THROUGH TO GET WHERE YOU WANT TO GO".
Northern Indiana is a barren overpriced turnpike only punctuated by the gleaming metropolis of South Bend, and the occasional rest stop with a Taco Johns, because Taco Bell's cuisine was deemed too spicy and authentic for Hoosiers. Indianapolis gives you all the drawbacks of a big city with almost none of the cultural benefits. What has the rest of this state contributed? Ft.Wayne, a city whose only saving graces are the most bizarre of sport teams mascots, and producing Deshaun Thomas? Gary, a refuse of Chicago's social problem spillover that even Detroit thinks is dysfunctional?
Indiana is nothing but fast food joints, bad highways, gray skies and gloom. It is the mayonnaise of US states. It is bereft of merit, and if it wasn't for the fact that sometimes we want to drive to Chicago, we'd never go there.
Indiana has produced lots of annoying people
Let's just focus on IU folks for a moment, shall we? Hoosiers are responsible for:
* Jeff Sagarin, whose ridiculous computer formula is a part of the BCS. In the numbers that count, he has Ohio State behind NORTHERN ILLINOIS. In the numbers that don't, he has the Buckeyes 8th, behind Arizona State and Wisconsin, which totally makes sense. His formula is "top secret", but he has changed it in the middle of the season. Sagarin lied. NIU Died. Roll Tide. #UnskewtheBCS #Benghazi
* Ryan Murphy, who created Glee, a show your girlfriend probably made you watch at least twice. Glee is terrible, Ryan.
* Joe Buck, sportscaster, perennial favorite on Awful Announcing.
*Jared Fogle, insufferable Subway spokesperson. Really, Jared, how much more applause do you need for losing a bunch of weight by eating hastily thrown together sandwiches? Jared is like your most annoying Facebook friend, continuing to try and foist sketchy weight loss or alternative medicine programs at you. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST, JARED.
Indiana is why Tom Crean is in our lives
Some people have such an abrasive personality that it transcends their individual sport. Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean, who is cutting a net down somewhere AS WE SPEAK, is one of those coaches.
Why does Tom Crean suck? Well, he teaches his players to flop. who goes against the spirit of the game. He sends weird, slavish DMs to recruits, and maaaaybe commits recruiting violations while he does it. He picks fights with other team's assistant coaches, even after he wins. He makes the media wait for hours after losses. He looks like an evil version of Dwight. Really, we could go on.
The only other coach who approaches a similar level of unlikability is Bo Ryan, who has almost leaned into his villain role enough to make him perversely likable. The Big Ten is better with Bo Ryan in it. Tom Crean is a louse that deserves no praise. He's also not even that great of a coach, who couldn't take a team with Cody Zeller and Victor Oladipo past the Sweet 16.
IN CONCLUSION, Indiana is terrible and deserves your hate this weekend.
GO BUCKEYES. BEAT THE HOOSIERS.