Rather than wait for more mainstream columnists (or us, somewhat inadvertently) to deliberately bait you into further blind Internet anger, following the lead of the mothership, we believe it's our civic duty to set the curve ourselves – and do so shamelessly. On Troll Tuesdays, we'll attempt to construct tomorrow's blatant attempt at pageviews today, building the worst inflammatory argument possible one single-spaced sentence at a time.
Yesterday, we witnessed an event that hasn't been seen for hundreds of years. An event more rare than a Michigan outright Big Ten title.
A Pope resigned. The Holy Catholic Church must now find a new leader.
These are hard times for the church. The world has gone wicked, and many say that the church has lost relevance. The Church is struggling with adversity, with scandal, and with hardship more than their brother's and sister's struggles with Nick Saban. Now, the College of Cardinals must convene to make a bold choice to determine who will lead the largest Church on the planet during these perilous times.
I know a Catholic who knows a thing or two about leading a college.
Ready for a bold choice?
The Cardinals should select Urban Meyer to be the next Holy Father.
The Cardinals are under no specific obligation to select a Cardinal themselves, or even a Priest. All they need is a man who can lead, and who can be an instrument in the hands of the Lord.
Even the least attentive child in Sunday School could tell you that the Lord can work in mysterious ways.
The Church may be worried about their ability to reach the young people of the world. Who has a better record of working and inspiring young people than Coach Meyer?
In a weary world, the Church needs a man who can find ways to innovate and communicate without betraying sacred traditions.
What is more innovative than rushing out of a spread offense in the Big Ten?
The church needs a man with experience dealing with Saints. Coach Meyer helped give us Tim Tebow, who helped bring the word of the Lord into the barren dens of iniquity of the NFL.
Who among us hasn't wished that their Sunday Sermon had a little SEC speed?
Coach Meyer has always shown he's been able to surround himself with great leaders and talent. From Kyle Whittingham to Dan Mullen to Kerry Coombs, Meyer has groomed leaders wherever he has gone, even in the barren sands of Utah.
Father Coombs? Who wouldn't run through a wall for *that* guy?
There is even precedent. Pope Urban VIII was Pope from 1623 to 1644, and was known as a major Patron of the Arts. Pope Urban II set up the Roman Curia in 1088.
Sure, those Popes made some mistakes. Pope Urban II ordered a Crusade. Pope Urban VIII had a nasty dispute with Galleo. This Pope Urban isn't perfect either. His family can attest to that.
But who among us IS perfect? Urban Meyer sure won't cast that first stone.
He's spend much of his coaching career around student-athletes of perhaps less than desirable character. Many have gotten into trouble with the law. These are exactly the kinds of people a church leader should be associating himself with. Let the rest of the stuffed shirts in the Big Ten consort with their Pharisees and Publicans.
Urban Meyer likes getting his hands a little dirty.
The Ohio State faithful would miss Meyer, but they would understand that some people were born to fulfill a higher calling. Some men were born to coach. Others were born to run. Few are called to lead, but Urban Meyer is one of those men.
It's time we had a true innovator, a leader, a champion, to lead the Catholic Church to a new era of greatness.
Pick up the phone and step outside the city walls, Cardinals. There is a man who can lead your college to greatness. He's waiting in Columbus. Urban Meyer has already proven to an excellent football coach and leader of men. Rather than leading the Buckeyes to a national title, Coach Meyer might be ready for an even higher calling.