Who doesn’t love a good fairy tale? From Rumplestiltskin to Rapunzel and beyond, they bring a smile to our faces and teach valuable lessons of perseverance, morality, and kindness. That’s why I was so thrilled see Urban Meyer tell a group of Ohio high school football coaches the most under-remembered fairy tale in Buckeye history – the time when Woody Hayes let a snapping turtle bite his penis in order to demonstrate toughness.
While Meyer deserves kudos for sharing one epic with the general public, countless other OSU-centric fairy tales go unnoticed. I will try to rectify this unmitigated travesty by recounting three below. If you’d like to research the origins of these fables in greater detail, most are adapted from Mother Goose, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, Aesop. Happy reading!
Jim Tressel gets Tatted Up
Jim Tressel had his doubts. He was from a different era, a time when a permanent etching of barbed wire into one’s bicep wouldn’t sit well with mom. Still, he found the prospect of getting tatted up alluring.
"This would certainly earn respect in the locker room," he noted. "And my epidermis sure could use a shot of color."
All this talk made Pryor giddy. He had bonded with his coach before, but never like this. I bet Denard and RichRod never go to the parlor together, he thought.
"How much does it cost?" queried Jim.
"One pair of gold pants," replied the memorabilia-hoarding man behind the counter.
That’s all Tressel needed to hear. "Bring out the ink," he demanded.
A Buffet for Brady
Vince Vincenzo, executive chef at the five-star Bistro 2110, was in deep trouble. The Michigan football team was heading to Columbus tomorrow, and eating at his restaurant.
"Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem serving those maize and blue scumbags," confided Vincenzo to a lowly subordinate named Reginald. "But that coach will bankrupt my operation!"
"Now-now," comforted Reginald. "I’m sure the meal will go just swimmingly!"
But Vincenzo knew better. He had heard the stories, from chefs across Big Ten country, about Michigan’s new head coach, Brady Hoke. He was said to consume three whole courses – in the dinner’s first half-hour.
From spending his time around Ohio State, however, Vincenzo also knew about integrity. About trust. About love for thy neighbor. What the right thing to do was.
A rejuvenated Vincenzo fired up the grill. "I’m making wolverine meat," he exclaimed.
Brady and Urban
Brady and Urban went down to SEC country
To fetch a five-star recruit;
Brady fell down and broke his crown,
And Urban got a solid verbal commitment.