There's only one candidate to vote for in the upcoming USG elections.
Ohio State's 2013 Undergraduate Student Government elections are upon us. Accordingly, it's time to separate the political wheat from the chaff.
Rather than wait for more mainstream columnists (or us, somewhat inadvertently) to deliberately bait you into further blind Internet anger, following the lead of the mothership, we believe it's our civic duty to set the curve ourselves – and do so shamelessly. On Troll Tuesdays, we'll attempt to construct tomorrow's blatant attempt at pageviews today, building the worst inflammatory argument possible one single-spaced sentence at a time.
I don't know a lot about student government. But I do know one thing about Ohio State: it's the greatest place on earth.
Whether you're a student, an alum, a Columbus native, or transplant, you'd be kidding yourself if you didn't think a platform with Ohio State's best interests in mind was what the university needs during these tumultuous economic times.
I'm not going to sit here and pay lip service to the running "unopposed" incumbent student government president.
I'm not even going to pretend like I know his name or what he stands for.
But what I am going to tell you, eligible voter in these important elections that begin tomorrow, is that there's one candidate who I can assure you won't be a wolf in sheep's clothing.
In fact, he's not even in the same order or family as wolves.
That candidate is goat.
Let's be honest here: goats, simply put, have a record of getting things done.
Look at what one goat did to the Chicago Cubs. Imagine what this one could do to Michigan.
Goat won't embezzle money. In fact, goats aren't even burdened by traditional concepts of budgetary restrictions and limitations – or currency at all.
There won't be any election rigging for fraternities, honor societies, or political parties. Goats don't subscribe to any of these pillars of college life.
Many have accused goat of not being willing to do the dirty work to weed out the corruption and garbage of cronyism in the Undergraduate Student Government.
False. Goats don't just pick up the trash, they eat it too.
Have you ever been to South Campus? Lord knows the neighborhood could use a little cleaning up, too.
Worldwide, more people eat and drink milk from goats than from any other animal. Sorry mankind, but if you aren't first, you're last.
Goats don't even have tear ducts. If you think goat is going to cry over spilt milk, think again.
Look, if you want to disrespect democracy and throw away your vote, sure, go ahead and vote for the person with a recognizable name on the ballot.
But if you want results, if you want everything every politician has ever offered and maybe more, you owe it to yourself to cast a ballot that really means something.
Make your ballot the Greatest Of All Time. It's goat time.