Urban Meyer signed two contracts in November 2011 – one legally-binding, the other blood-binding – that he’s since disregarded, as revealed in the Columbus Dispatch’s earth-shattering report published earlier this month. We, the investigative arm of Land-Grant Holy Land, take issue with how little attention the exposé has received both locally and nationally and intend to give it its due here. (Frankly, we were shocked that Charles Robinson didn’t squeeze out, bottle, and sell every drop of juice this story had to offer, but life is full of disappointments.) If you’re the type of Buckeye fan who’d prefer stories like this swept under the rug, or if strong takes about arcade games aren’t your cup of tea, please click elsewhere. Alternatively, if you’re capable of handling the demise of Ohio State football with class and limited tears, please watch the following video:
Comparable in tone to an ominous NPR bit on the extinction of a cute species, the video begins with Chris Fields manually crushing a futuristic-looking light board. Is Chris Fields generally violent towards light boards? Are the Buckeyes learning Morse code? No, this is supposedly a training device called Dynavision, designed to improve player reactions. All well and good, right? NOT SO FAST, MY FRIEND. Lori Schmidt, our intrepid narrator, notes that Dynavision likely strikes folks as "high-tech Whac-A-Mole," hinting at (but, unfortunately, not explicitly stating) Meyer’s evil plan. Fields proceeds to extol the virtues of the board, claiming it has been "beneficial on the field," an interesting assessment given that he hasn’t played a game since starting his Dynavision regimen. Is Fields in the tank for BIG BULB? Only time will tell. Doran Grant is surprisingly proficient at Dynavision, and brags about using the machine "after every practice." This can’t be good for his eyes. When he’s out for the season opener with early-onset glaucoma, blame Dynavision. (Side note: Per Schmidt, Grant is also taking up juggling, a hand-eye coordination exercise with far more sinister ramifications than even Dynavision. We are disheartened by this development and will cover it extensively at a later date.)
Anyway, on to the grand plan: University sources tell Land-Grant Holy Land that Meyer is gradually transforming the football program into a competitive Whac-A-Mole squad. The scheme will be finalized in the fall of 2014, relegating football to the Club level forever. We understand your skepticism, but OSU Whac-A-Mole is, inexorably, coming and at some point you’ll have to deal with it. You shouldn’t be that surprised, really – this is a vintage Meyer move, recalling his resignations from Florida in 2009 and 2010. After an undefeated first season at OSU, what left is there for him to accomplish on the gridiron? How much satisfaction can one draw from beating up on the Little Sisters of the B1G year after year? With two BCS titles in tow, his legacy is cemented in college football lore. On the other hand, as of this writing, he has no legacy in the wide and beautiful world of Whac-A-Mole, giving him all the more reason to pioneer an NCAA-sanctioned version of the game. Despite our qualms about Dynavision as a training tool, we embrace Meyer’s bold choice and implore his fellow coaches to do the same. (Brady Hoke, you can eat and coach at the same damn time in Whac-A-Mole!)
For folks out there still unsure how to react to this, fear not! Here’s a threesome of FAQs that have flooded our inbox since the Dynavision news broke. These should help cheer you up.
Should I, an out-of-shape, male Buckeye fan, support Meyer’s decision?
Yes, especially if you have any NCAA eligibility remaining. While that severe case of senioritis may have prevented you from receiving a degree, it will give you the opportunity to play collegiate Whac-A-Mole for Urban Meyer. Unlike football, Whac-A-Mole isn’t sizist. Athletes (we are using this term liberally) of all physical fitness levels are welcome to Whac if they possess the requisite skills. This is your chance to shine on a national stage!
Should I, a female Buckeye fan, support Meyer’s decision?
Yes, as Whac-A-Mole is decidedly co-ed. Athletes of all X chromosome levels are welcome to Whac if they possess the requisite skills. This is your chance to compete with Braxton Miller for a roster spot!
Does Dynavision remind you of any famous contraptions that were used for experiments involving rats?
Yes, it reminds me of the Skinner box, which "[contained] one or more levers which an animal can press, one or more stimulus lights, and one or more places in which reinforcers like food can be delivered." Hold on, scratch the Whac-A-Mole theory – maybe Meyer is just really into behaviorism.