Rather than wait for more mainstream columnists (or us, somewhat inadvertently) to deliberately bait you into further blind Internet anger, following the lead of the mothership, we believe it's our civic duty to set the curve ourselves – and do so shamelessly. On Troll Tuesdays, we'll attempt to construct tomorrow's blatant attempt at pageviews today, building the worst inflammatory argument possible one single-spaced sentence at a time.
You've probably heard of the ugly fight over the fate of the Sacramento Kings, with both Sacramento and Seattle lobbying to secure the long term rights of the franchise. The conflict has devolved into bitter squabbling between two noble fanbases, and no matter which proposal David Stern eventually accepts, one city will be left heartbroken. Both cities can lay legitimate claims to deserving of an NBA squad, even one that gives minutes to Jimmer Ferdette. There does not, appear, to be a fair solution.
In a world so often divided by polarizing opposites, the wisest choice is so often the third way. While Sacramento and Seattle fight and squabble, a third city lies to the east, a city with a proud sports tradition, a love of basketball, a growing market, multiple potential sponsors, and an NBA ready facility.
That city is Columbus. The NBA should spurn both cities and move the Kings here.
The rationale is clear. Ohio basketball fans would finally get a chance to climb out from under the shadow of LeBron and the frustrating and snakebitten Cavaliers, and establish a beachhead in the growing capital city. Buoyed by the perennial success of the Thad Matta Buckeyes, an unquenchable appetite for high level basketball has started in town. Thanks to the quickly developing Arena District, a growing corporate base, and some of the best fans in the country, there is no doubt that a franchise would be a financial success. Perhaps the biggest question is what Columbus should name the team.
Many may suggest some cute animal focused alteration, like the Columbus Cougars or Cardinals. Others might suggest empty phrases, like the 'Chill' or 'Chaos'. A name should reflect pride in local institutions, while still being intimidating and powerful. By this metric, the choice of name should be clear.
The Columbus professional basketball team must be called The Baconators.
The Baconator is a nod to the rich Burger History of Columbus. The Capital City gave the world White Castle, and Wendy's is headquartered just north of the city. The cheeseburger is deeply engrained in the rest of it city, from the world famous monster burgers at Thurman's, to the myriad burger joints along OSU's campus, to the cattle expositions at the state fairgrounds, the big burger is undeniably a way of life in Columbus, like deep dish is to Chicago, or ruining perfectly good Spaghetti is to Cincinnati.
Where's the beef? It's in Columbus.
The Bactonator epitomizes the values we'd want in an NBA team as well. It dares to innovate were others have gone stale. While the rest of the world advised burgers to get smaller and more calorie-conscious, the Baconator doubled down on flavor. When they said such a sandwich couldn't be done, they laughed and added more bacon. We'll want a team that isn't afraid to go against the grain. Which a team like the Baconators, who would be surprised if they went big while others went small, went fast while others slowed down, and found new and creative ways to mix the same staid positions and players on the court.
The Columbus Crew has dared us to 'Be Massive'. What's more massive than a Baconator?
The team would practically market itself. The obvious tie in with Wendy's notwithstanding, other major Columbus firms, from the insurance to research to medical industries, would clamor to be associated with such an already strong brand. The potential lure of free burgers would be a boon for luring free agents to Columbus. If unlimited bacon can't pacify an angry DeMarcus Cousins, I don't know what will.
Plus, another team in Columbus uses red in their color scheme, and that has worked out just fine.
Have you seen those kids who wear the McDonald's All-American Jerseys? They're all awesome. Imagine what the results will be if they wear a uniform with an actual GOOD burger on it?
The Baconator jersey will automatically be one of the most popular jerseys in sports, not just from Grandview to German Village, but across the country. The nation will be swept by Bacon Fever, and Columbus will have the only prescription, high level, NBA-caliber Baconator basketball, a recipe that will finally deliver a sweet championship to the city.
Listen up David Stern. Columbus Baconator Basketball is one combo meal the league can't afford to miss out on.