Definitive list of potential Michigan gameday giveaways


I've been to the Big House twice, and let me tell you: Michigan home games are kind of a bore. The crowd is maddeningly tame, the halftime shows are staid and uninteresting (especially compared to this), and the uniforms essentially force fans to smuggle a bottle of Advil into the stadium. So it's no surprise, then, that legendary donut-eater Brady Hoke recently decided to incentivize going to his team's noontime games with free glazed donuts. Great idea, and kudos to all involved. Attendance will surely skyrocket!

Still, we can't help but wonder what free giveaways would motivate Michigan students to get out of bed at such an early hour after a night of explicating Sylvia Plath's collected works more than glazed donuts. (The list is long, and starts at sprinkled donuts.) Rest assured, Michigan, that we aren't doing this to mock your ambivalence towards football, or your student body's... odd proclivities, but rather to help boost ticket sales. You are our friendly neighbors to the north, and we just want to see you succeed! Introduce any of the following complimentary gameday promotions, and your athletic department will immediately be on a path to prosperity.

1. Wolverine cubs

2. Lunchables

3. Brady Hoke replica sunglasses (mint condition)

4. Season one of The Killing on VHS

5. Staples (the metal fasteners, not individual office supply stores) for extra-bulky research papers (STAPLERS NOT INCLUDED)

6. Adderall (pastries alone will not be enough to keep fans from falling asleep at snoozing off during the Akron game)

7. $5 gift cards to Blockbuster Video (NOTE: these are valuable collectors' items nowadays, according to Wikipedia)

8. Coloring books

9. Nail files

10. Jorts

11. One-way Greyhound ticket to Gary, Indiana

12. Night on the town with Tate Forcier's dad

13. One-year subscription to Cat Fancy

14. Induction into Michigan Athletic Hall of Honor (presuming you can run 100m in <60 seconds)

15. Seals (NOTE: This is what a Michigan crowd sounds like)

16. Rosetta Stone (choose your own language!)

17. Toughness: Developing True Strength On and Off the Court by Jay Bilas

18. Hedge End by (Peter) MARK MAY

As always, please add your own ideas in the comments. And for the record, (Peter) MARK MAY's debut novel was a joy to behold.

FanPosts are user created content and don't necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Land-Grant Holy Land. Unless they're awesome. In which case we can't believe you didn't read this phenomenal article on our site sooner. Shame on you.

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Land-Grant Holy Land

You must be a member of Land-Grant Holy Land to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Land-Grant Holy Land. You should read them.

Join Land-Grant Holy Land

You must be a member of Land-Grant Holy Land to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Land-Grant Holy Land. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.