I've been to the Big House twice, and let me tell you: Michigan home games are kind of a bore. The crowd is maddeningly tame, the halftime shows are staid and uninteresting (especially compared to this), and the uniforms essentially force fans to smuggle a bottle of Advil into the stadium. So it's no surprise, then, that legendary donut-eater Brady Hoke recently decided to incentivize going to his team's noontime games with free glazed donuts. Great idea, and kudos to all involved. Attendance will surely skyrocket!
Still, we can't help but wonder what free giveaways would motivate Michigan students to get out of bed at such an early hour after a night of explicating Sylvia Plath's collected works more than glazed donuts. (The list is long, and starts at sprinkled donuts.) Rest assured, Michigan, that we aren't doing this to mock your ambivalence towards football, or your student body's... odd proclivities, but rather to help boost ticket sales. You are our friendly neighbors to the north, and we just want to see you succeed! Introduce any of the following complimentary gameday promotions, and your athletic department will immediately be on a path to prosperity.
1. Wolverine cubs
3. Brady Hoke replica sunglasses (mint condition)
4. Season one of The Killing on VHS
5. Staples (the metal fasteners, not individual office supply stores) for extra-bulky research papers (STAPLERS NOT INCLUDED)
6. Adderall (pastries alone will not be enough to keep fans from falling asleep at snoozing off during the Akron game)
7. $5 gift cards to Blockbuster Video (NOTE: these are valuable collectors' items nowadays, according to Wikipedia)
8. Coloring books
9. Nail files
11. One-way Greyhound ticket to Gary, Indiana
12. Night on the town with Tate Forcier's dad
13. One-year subscription to Cat Fancy
14. Induction into Michigan Athletic Hall of Honor (presuming you can run 100m in <60 seconds)
15. Seals (NOTE: This is what a Michigan crowd sounds like)
16. Rosetta Stone (choose your own language!)
As always, please add your own ideas in the comments. And for the record, (Peter) MARK MAY's debut novel was a joy to behold.