It was a horrendous week for Ohio State students, and not because of threats posted on "fantasy game websites" or bizarre alcohol-consumption strategies gone viral. No, the week was gut-wrenchingly awful because of Michigan, the first university to manifest itself in a rival athlete’s hair.
No word yet on why Braxton Miller devastated his scalp with an onslaught of maize, although we presume it has something to with a lost bet and a snapping turtle. At any rate, aping Tyrann Mathieu’s style can only lead to bad things. Blondes may have more fun, but they don’t beat Michigan. In fact, Buckeye blondes commit a grievous sin of omission by failing to cover up their wicked roots with a fitted (worn backwards, duh) or switching to a scarlet/gray-based hair coloring product. Until then, blondes show tacit support for Michigan and aren’t welcome in Columbus. Yes, that goes for Heisman hopefuls too.
If that wasn’t bad enough (it was), folks around campus were subjected to a Lantern article describing an "awkward situation" Buckeye fans are facing this weekend with Michigan in the Final Four. Pardon us if we didn’t get the memo, but when did our B1G inferiority complex spill over into basketball? Can’t we go back to the days of yore when a Michigan loss at the hands of Appalachian State was a cause for illicit celebration from Akron to Zanesville?
Buckeye "fans" rooting for Michigan tomorrow under the pretense of "It’s best for the conference!" aren’t Buckeye fans at all. They’re enemies of the state, and, in aggregate, worse than blondes. (B1G-over-everything lunatics who incidentally happen to be blonde are too grotesque to discuss on a kid-friendly blog.) Who cares what Charles Barkley says at halftime about the state of Big Ten hoops? SPOILER ALERT: He’ll call it turrible. If that bothers you, take your conference pride somewhere else.