There are virtually countless debates to embrace over the 2013 Buckeyes. Braxton Miller or Kenny Guiton? Everett Withers or Luke Fickell? Braxton Miller or Cardale Jones? However, there’s no debating who Ohio State’s best tweeter is: it’s junior defensive end Michael Bennett (@mike63bennett) by a landslide. As such, we present to you the first installment of a potentially recurring feature: MIKE BENNETT’S TWEETS OF THE WEEK, presented by pets.com.
My roommates are breaking all food etiquette rules. They eat the last of my bills donut holes and take the first bite of my moms chili Mac— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 9, 2013
There’s no way around this: Mike Bennett’s roommates are monsters, plain and simple. Devouring the last of a man’s donut holes is cause for eviction, and sampling a mother’s chili before her own son has the opportunity to do so is terribly ruthless, the sort of thing only a despot (or Brady Hoke) might do. The fact that Mike Bennett didn’t assault his roommates on the spot for such crimes is proof of his sainthood.
Realized I kind of want to be a teacher but I don't really want to go to jail for beating up a mouthy student— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 9, 2013
You could say this calls into question Mike Bennett’s sainthood, but you’d be missing the point. Mike Bennett prevents violent situations before they occur; he’s a true peacemaker – except on Saturday, November 30, when peace is the LAST thing he’ll be making with Devin Gardner.
You know it's gotten bad when I have the same facial expressions watching Miley Cyrus music videos as I do watching My Strange Addiction.— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 10, 2013
It’s mere coincidence that Mike Bennett tweeted this around the same time Miley’s scandalous "Wrecking Ball" video dropped, because he was undoubtedly referring to this video:
Mozzarella sticks make any situation better. I challenge you to think of a situation that they can't improve.— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 10, 2013
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Mike Bennett usually spits truth, but like everyone else, he’s prone to occasional bouts of inaccuracy. The following situations definitely cannot be improved by mozzarella sticks.
- Having your umbrella stolen by a local thief during a monsoon
- FOX ON THE FIELD
- Spleen injuries
- Staining your favorite pair of jorts
- Writing an essay about photosynthesis
- Being unjustly accused of jaywalking
Admittedly, all other situations can, in fact, be at least mildly improved by the presence of mozzarella sticks.
I want to see a cologne commercial where a lady walks up to a guy, says "you smell nice", then walks away. I'd buy it.— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 10, 2013
I don’t know why Mike wants to be a teacher when AXE is clearly going to hire him as their creative director once he graduates. This is some Don Draper shit right here.
I like to think I'm athletic but I can't walk in a straight line to save my life— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 12, 2013
You might not think much of this tweet, but it’s actually ingenious. If Mike ever fails a DUI Walk and Turn test, he can simply use this as a get-out-of-jail-free card. The logic is irrefutable: If a dude can’t walk in a straight line sober, how could you ever expect him to do so inebriated?
NOTE: We here at LGHL certainly don’t expect Mike to get DUI, but it never hurts to plan ahead!
Girl next to me probably thinks I'm a freak because I keep glancing over. I'm just watching a cricket crawl around her feet— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 12, 2013
Discovery Channel should make a show about this – not just crickets crawling around girls’ feet, but Michael Bennett watching and narrating crickets crawl around girls’ feet.
People always feel the need to say "oh you must be hungry" after I order my food. That is why I came to a food restaurant. Cuz I'm hungry— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 12, 2013
Counterpoint: When people say "Oh you must be hungry," they might just be misidentifying Bennett as fellow Buckeye Chris Carter.
I feel like once I start tweeting, all my new followers are gonna realize I'm not actually that funny.. Makes me nervous— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) September 9, 2013
Awwwwww. No need to feel nervous, Mike. Your followers are like a virtual support group! And hey, if all else fails, just tweet pictures of cute baby animals and you'll be fine. That's how the internet works.
Really tempted to get this dog pic.twitter.com/Nq5nKt4d— MIKE BENNETT (@mike63bennett) July 7, 2012