Bret Bielema isn't a happy guy these days. Maybe it's because of the swift and resounding internet reaction that he got from the ill-fated #Karma tweet from his wife. Maybe it's because he just lost an assistant coach to his nemesis, FOR LESS MONEY, after purportedly leaving Wisconsin for Arkansas over assistant pay. Maybe it's because his team went 3-9 last year, and lost to something called a "Rutgers" in American Football. Maybe it's because he left Madison, one of the five coolest college towns in the country, for Fayetteville, one of the five coolest college towns in Arkansas (this is hotly disputed). Maybe the climate isn't so good for a man of his...build. Look. I get it. Bert's got a lot to be grouchy about.
Me? When I'm mad about something, I go for a run, or play a little XBOX, or look at pictures of dogs on the Internet (or doge! much laughter). Bert? Well, nobody has told him about imgur yet. When he gets mad, he likes to throw his proverbial weight around and change the rules to get his way. Most recently, we see that the proposed change to prevent football teams from snapping quickly had Bert's fingerprints all over it. It's been about as well received on the internet as you'd expect.
Bert won't be content to stop once college football is reduced to perennial 10-7 slugfests, featuring play clocks that are four minutes long. No, Bert is mad about lots of things, and he intends to change them, one handwritten note at a time. Thanks to some crack investigative reporting here at Land-Grant Holy Land, we managed to Bert's personal email list of things he's mad about.
We've published it below.
1) Look, I'm a strict football constitutionalist. This game should be played like our forefathers intended it, not the way some namby pamby, east coast elitist intellectuals figured. Our early fathers were right in wanting to ban passing, and I think we should go back to our roots, a philosophy that is in no way related to the fact that Arkansas was 114th in the country in passing offense last season. You know who supported an aerial offensive attack? Icarus. Though he did beat Iowa that year.
2) Football is a dangerous game, and I'm committed to making it safer. Slowing down the pace of the game is only the start. Next, we need to remove the concept of blitzing. Why should the defense be allowed to send more players than the offense has blockers? Isn't that the same as two guys beating up one guy? That's not okay, as the security guard at that Chuck E. Cheese made very clear to me.
3) Little Debbie snacks. They're unhealthy, and I hear they give short people wizard powers. Can't have that. Your body is a temple, after all. (Mine happens to be used for religious rites that require massive Funyuns sacrifices.)
4) Baseball is a great American game, and you know why it's captured the hearts of millions? Cause you can eat during the game. If my kids need orange slices or Capri Suns during the game, who am I to deny that to them? And if I, after expending tens of calories from standing and yelling, need to replenish myself by eating a delicious chili cheese dog on the sidelines, why does the NCAA tell me that's wrong? I'm a man, and a man's got to eat. Nobody stops Les Miles from eating midgame.
4) Speaking of NCAA violations, they apparently told my man Tim Beckman that he can't chew on the sidelines. That's bullshit. There's no way chewing tobacco is worse for your health than Illinois football.
5) I spend all the time developing somebody, teaching them, mentoring them, showing them how to count cards at the casinos, and then they go off and get another job, leaving me with nothing. When I do that for my daughter, I'd at least get a dowry or something out of it. Is it too much to ask for an assistant coach to leave me some cows or shit? Taver, I KNOW they got cows near Purdue.
6) Cabbage. It's got to go. I'm a grownass man and like hell I'm going to eat anything that even LOOKS like bastardized lettuce. If John Heisman thought that cabbage sucked, that's good enough for me.
7) Hail Marys. This.....this shouldn't be allowed. Separation of church and state matters, and that means a Catholic-named play should be worth as much as one of my Calvinist drives. Those punts were predestined, asshole.