Why is this news? Thomas Jefferson signs, planting flags in enemy territory

Richard Heathcote

All the big #MURICA news in one handy place.

"When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another...decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation."

-Thomas Jefferson, Colony (nay, Commonwealth!) of Virginia

Venerated Virginia legislator Thomas Jefferson hath struck a mighty blow this morn with his plumed pen. Jefferson, in the company of some of the foremost politickal minds in these thirteen colonies, did draft an incendiary document entitled "The Declaration of Independence." Earlier drafts, given such titles as "Don't Steal This, Nicolas Cage" and "Declaration 2: Electric Boogaloo" were discarded post-haste.

The paunchy coxcombs of the King's Parliament will most strenuously object to such a bolde stroke. Verily, they hath goode reason: the notion of an "American nation," born from these colonies, conjures in the mind of the English a den of rapscallions and scallywags, unfit for self-governance.

Some may call Jefferson a pompous upstart, a mind diseas'd, an unctuous reprobate. We here at the Olde Land Grant Crier direct three poxes and a curse in their general direction. Deare readers, take up the cry!

Don't be a Tory

or ye'll be...Sorry

"A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

-Thomas Jefferson, amorous champion of the people

A hit! A fine hit! With every word, Jefferson and his well-learn'd band of rapscallions hath cut King George to pieces. It may be that these lines will herald great injury and sorrow, and babes will cry in their beds and maidens will weep at the hearth, as these colonies' brave sons march to conflict with the regiment'd army of the Crown. No matter. Our bonds of oppression must be shattered, no matter the cost.

From whence will the battle cries first sound? Boston? Philadelphia? Only one thing is known: it will not be the slipshod barnacles residing in the Michigan territory who commit the first acts of bravery and heroism.

"I am not a Virginian. I am an American."

-Patrick Henry, member of First Continental Congress, and possessor of ginormous plums and carrot

Sir! Tears fall from these eyes as this hand puts quill to parchment. Verily, we are all Americans, united in common purpose, and perhaps one day, in our love of the Ohio territory.

"The die is now cast. The colonies must either submit or triumph."

-King George

Ooooh, real original, King George. Stealing a quote from Julius Caesar, eh? I have studied history, sir, you cannot hope to sneak such a blatant bit of preposterous plagiarism past me. Perhaps not the wisest choice of source material, either. Dost thou remember what happened to Caesar?

Readers, the time for leisure is ended. The time for battle is nigh. Hear the clarion call, to arms, to arms! I will leave thee with a set of wise words, words these ears first heard at Revere's tavern but two eves ago:

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

STICK TO SPORTS, YE KNAVES

  • This collection of saucy tavern-maids showing some ankle will surely powder your wig.
  • 2 for 1 mugs of ale at Revere's all evening? My word, sign us up.
  • Poor Richard's Almanack? More like Poor Richard's Almasuck, amirite
  • These Illustrated Flipbook Pamphlets Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity
  • John Dickinson refused to sign the Declaration. What a Dick...inson.
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