Setting: B1G Commissioner Jim Delany's office, which has temporarily been relocated to the back office of Satriale's Delicatessen on the outskirts of Cicero, IL. Delany is in a foul mood, mostly due to the fact that Indiana, after beating Wisconsin and Purdue in 2 of their last 3 games, is getting ready to play in the B1G Championship game against Nebraska.
Sitting across the desk from Delany is OSU AD Gene Smith.
Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Commissioner. It's been far too long.
//holds out hand with big ass ring on it
//grabs hand, kisses ring
What the hell do you want now, Gene-O? Every time I see you, my conference goes to shit. First it was tattoos. 'Is that all there is?', I ask. 'Of course it is', you say. Then it was tattoos and memorabilia. 'Is that it?', I again inquire. 'That's it', you say. And now look where we are.
Don't forget the hidden email. Or our awesome press conference explaining it all.
Oh, who could forget that Kabuki dick dance? Trust me, I won't.
Me either. You should've seen the look on your face when I told you about that email.
Did it look like a remarkable combination of being pissed off and constipated, all at the same time?
Good, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT FUCKING WAS!!! AND NOW I HAVE A GODDAMN ULCER THE SIZE OF PASADENA BECAUSE INDI-FUCKING-ANA IS ONE BO PELINI BACKHAND TO TAYLOR MARTINEZ OF BEING IN THE GODDAMN GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL.
Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
Really? The last time an AD in this conference wanted to 'talk to me about something', the next thing I knew Mark Emmert was crawling up Penn State's ass with a microscope.
Uh, phrasing boss.
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OR I SWEAR TO GOD WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME!!!!
I love games! What's the name of the game?
It's called the "I'm Woody Hayes and Gene-O is a first down marker" game.
That doesn't sound like a very fun game.
Really, because I think it sounds about as fun as watching Indiana in the goddamn Rose Bowl. Do you realize what Oregon State is going to do to them?
Treat them like a five dollar hooker?
No, a two dollar hooker.
Man, that shit'll give a guy crabs. Not that I'd know, or anything.
//furiously scratches crotch
//opens drawer, slides bottle of body de-louser across the desk
Picked a bottle of this up when I was whoring in Tijuana one night. Apply liberally, you'll thank me later. So, what the hell do you want?
Well, it's about Indiana. I have an idea about that.
//stands up, unzips pants, and applies liberally
Not HERE, you FUCKING MORON! JESUS, HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE A JOB?
Um, I don't know?
It was a rhetorical question. Just...just put your pants back on and tell me what you want.
Here's the deal. We're undefeated. We are in first place in the division. We're eligible to be named division winners. Why not just say 'fuck it' and let us play in Indianapolis?
You can't be serious. Remember what happened the last time you asked me to go to bat for your school?
Uhhhhh, the charity softball game last summer?
NO YOU STUPID JACKASS! IT WAS BEFORE THE SUGAR BOWL! I'M STILL LIVING THAT ONE DOWN AT THE COMMISSIONER'S MEETINGS!!
Really? I figured you'd be getting a lot more shit about Penn State. A LOT. Or maybe Purdue. They're terrible. Wait, no one's giving you a hard time about ILOLinois? Really? They're not even good enough to be in the MAC.
Michigan State's barely better than the MAC this year.
Which is why you should let us play in Indy. We're the only team worth a broke dog's dick in this conference this year. Look, let us go to Indy. We'll wear a Nike Pro Combat uniform that looks like the German Wermacht, Nebraska can wear ones that look like the French, and we'll all pretend it's May 1940 for three hours. Instead of a football game, we'll call it a WWII re-enactment. The end result will be the same.
But then what? You can't go to the Rose Bowl, primarily because you had the biggest miscalculation since Geraldo Rivera decided to open Al Capone's vault on live TV. What do I do then?
Well, I don't know. You're the commissioner, you think of something.
<click>..Yes, Mrs. Wiggins, what is it?
<click>...That must be Mr. Pelini. Send him in.
//wipes spittle off face
Jesus Bo. Calm down.
//wipes spittle off of face
Look, Bo. Gene might actually be on to something here. Either way, you guys are going to go to Pasadena. What's the big deal on whether or not you play Indiana or OSU?
You will do NO SUCH THING GODDAMN IT. I don't need murder added to the 'shit schools in my conference have done over the last two years' list.
//grabs hand, kisses ring
I'm sorry, Mr. Commissioner. It will not happen again.
No, of course not. We're the B1G. It is a New Year's tradition that on New Year's Day that families in the Midwest gather around their televisions to watch the B1G team used as a sacrificial lamb in southern California. You will uphold that tradition, do you understand me?
Yes, Mr. Commissioner.
Sweet, it's settled then. We play in the B1G championship, kick Nebraska's ass again, then they go to Pasadena. Urban, is there anything you want to say?
//grabs hand, kisses ring