The Quest For 12-0

The bowl ban looming over Ohio State's 2013 season will be fun because it's based on the actions of people who are no longer associated with the program. Terrelle Pryor is battling with Matt Leinart to be Carson Palmer's back-up. Jim Tressel is moving weight somewhere off I-76. Bobby DiGeronimo is hopefully in Alaska. In fact, the only person witrh blood on their hand that's still associated with Ohio State is Gene Smith. (If you dwell on it, you can hear Gene Smith chuckling as he pours himself another glass of brandy.)

Not that I'm really that salty over it anymore, and I don't understand Ohio State fans who are. Terrelle Pryor lives in Oakland, California, and Ohio State currently employs Urban Meyer. We traded one shitty season for 15 years of Urban Meyer. In 50 years, I'd like to see a statue of Terrelle Pryor outside Ohio Stadium.

Everybody knows that 2013's campaign is supposed to be "the year" with Urban, but I've been looking at Ohio State's 2012 schedule for the last 40 minutes, and I have yet to see who's hanging the "L" around the neck of Urban Meyer's Ohio State Buckeyes.

University of Miami - The first game of the season is usually an annual bloodletting in Ohio Stadium which kicks off Ohio State's seasons. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't glad the blood being let belonged to people who live in Oxford, Ohio.

The only people I've met with more pretension than Miami students are people who live in New York City. Unlike New York City though, Oxford is a shitty little town in shitty southwestern Ohio. Trust me, I've seen what happens when kids from Oxford try to bang with kids from Columbus. It usually ends up in bloodstained pastels. Call me crazy, but I think this is going to end the same way.

University of Central Florida - *yawn*. Ohio State will win this by 21 points, and Urban Meyer is going to act pissed at the press conference with his team's effort and executiion. Urban Meyer also has a degree in psychology.

University of California-Berkley - This years out-of-conference banger isn't as juicy as years past, but I guess Ohio State is going to have to get used to kicking the shit out of Pac-12 teams since we have some sort of "cultural agreement" with these people.

I've kicked it up and down the West Coast. I'm not sure there's much agreements in the cultures, but thankfully, the team from our geographical region is much better than this team from their geographical region. Mark this down as "Jordan Hall says 'How do you do?' to the Heisman race."

University of Alabama-Birmingham. In 20 years, when all of the current crypt-keepers of college football have worms feasting on their petrified intestines, and the playoff gets expanded, it's games like this which will have to be sacrificed. Not that I will care, I'll probably be mostly watching cat videos on Youtube by the third quarter of this game.

@ Michigan State - Let us pause for a moment to remember just how terrible the 2011 rendition of this game was. Wow, I'm still having nightmares about that one. It's a shame Kirk Cousins is graduated, because I would have paid high money to watch Noah Spence spike Cousins into the field-turf repeatedly for three hours.

Ohio State opens the season with four straight games in their Ohio Stadium cocoon. That's going to be crucial, because when the Buckeyes stroll into Spartan Stadium in the last week of September, I expect Urban Meyer's team will be executing on all fronts. It's going to be a dogfight, but when Ohio State walks out with the W, it's going to open up the floodgates on their season.

University of Nebraska - Nebraska isn't good. I'm sorry. They never will contend for a national title ever again because nobody wants to go to Nebraska anymore. They'll always be solid but they will never be on Ohio State's, Michigan's, or even Wisconsin's tier. I know, I know... they used to be good back in the days of standard definition television. Whatever. I guess I'm a hater. I don't think this game will be close. There will also be plenty of "Walrusball" jokes. Oh, there will be "Walrusball" jokes.

@ Ohio Stadium West (Indiana) - Hahahaha. Next?

Purdue - No, seriously, Indiana. Please, stop playing football.

@ Penn State - How would Penn State, as an "institution of higher learning", justify the further existence of their football program? Because I have yet to hear a reason, I'm skeptical this game will even be played.

Assuming this does go down as planned, I'm fairly certain Tom Brady's eligibility is expired and whomever's running Bill O'Brien's offense will be a slight departure. Next.

Illinois - Tim Beckman's Toledo team let Ohio State off the hook in 2011. Now, as the head of the FIghting Ron Zooks, Beckman gets another chance. Beckman is a helluva coach and Ron Zook never lacked talent, so I think Illinois will be a surprise team this year. However, with Ohio State at 9-0 coming into this game, I don't think Urban Meyer will let his team be asleep at the wheel going into this game.

@ Wisconsin - Barring some freakish injury, I will be putting my entire life savings on Ohio State on this week. Urban Meyer may hang 65 on Bret Bielema's shit talking ass. There may be crunken riots with flares by the 3rd quarter as Jordan Hall scoots in for his 3rd touchdown which puts Ohio State up 24.

Michigan - I'm already getting goosebumps thinking about this game. Hopefully the only loss Michigan has coming into this game is the mud-hole Alabama is going to stomp into their ass. It's obvious where I think Ohio State will be standing.

The Urban Meyer-Brady Hoke feud is going to be fascinating to watch in the coming years. I think Brady Hoke is a damn fine football coach. However, this year is going to be Ohio State's bowl game.

Remember in 2011, how Brady Hoke made a big deal about "Ohio" all year, and his team came within a 1 of 3 overthrown Braxton Miller touchdown passes away from losing at home to an Ohio team which ultimately went 6-7? Well, The Shoe is on the other foot this year. I think even I could write Urban Meyer's speech before a game like this.

Once I win my winnings from betting on whatever Ohio State is (+/-) against Wisconsin, I will instantly be doubling down on whatever the line is for the last banger of the year. Ohio State might win by 30, and when they do, last year's troubles will seem to belong to the last century.