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Subject: FOIA request

"Excuse me, excuse me. Please give me all your secrets. Thanks."
"Excuse me, excuse me. Please give me all your secrets. Thanks."

Jim, et. al:

This is a request under the Freedom of Information Act, 5 U.S.C. Sec. 552 and applicable state laws.

I cordially request the following:

  • Please release all details of the time you torrented Rise Against's "Satellite EP". You know their frontperson is a he/she, right?
  • The time on the sideline you drank a Glaceau VitaminWater Nutrient Enhanced Water Beverage on the sideline that you'd riskily added an ancillary Emergen-c to the drink. This is a tertiary NCAA violation and may put you in jeopardy of compromising your Vitamin-D part per millions threshold and/or your NCAA mandated probation.
  • All e-mails relating to your mother-in-law's Cayenne Craze crab and Artichoke dip. I have DVR'd "SURVIVOR: Philippines" to catch up on and am a poor multitasker.
  • All records of your perusing of a recruit's Facebook page on the weekend of December 10th, 2011. According to The Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998, this is probable grounds for the death penalty.
  • All travel records you have for the last eighteen months. I'm quite confident that time you said you were sick and couldn't come help me move, you were actually at Six Flags. Dick.
  • Every instance of allowing one-time video coordinator Nic Siciliano to do anything other than go on Caribou Coffee runs over the previous four seasons. I'm quite confident this is an NCAA violation.
  • All receipts relating to Jim Bollman possessing anything not constituting a "dumbphone".
  • All information and metrics related to the number of times director of player personel Mark Pantoni has listened to the song "Call Me Maybe" in the previous 3 calendar weeks.
  • A detailed biography and all information necessary to finally unlock the identity of just who "Dave" is exactly.

Please confirm receipt. Thanks.



(Photo courtesy of the Library of Congress)

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