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The Power Of The Dollar

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Steve Spurrier is about as slick as a pair of knee high shorts.
Steve Spurrier is about as slick as a pair of knee high shorts.

This week, the earth shakers of the SEC have gathered in Destin, Florida. Is it the greatest collection of minds since Thomas Jefferson dined alone in our nation's capital? I'd wager no, if only because the SEC earth shakers are merely stodgy old white men... which coincidentally enough matches the description given to police about the driver of America's caravan before it went toppling over a cliff. (Thomas Jefferson, on the other hand, was a stodgy old white man in a wig.)

First, there was the pompous chest-beating from a head coach who hasn't won shit. Then there was Nick Saban demolishing any army of strawmen. (An Alabama tradition.) However, it was South Carolina's Steve Spurrier whose arrogance stole the show.

I'm old enough to remember when Steve Spurrier was considered a maverick. I guess the SEC standings haven't done a good enough job of telling Spurrier he has gone from "Ol' Ball Coach" to "Old Ball Coach" over the last decade. The funny part of Spurrier's "let's give the players an extra ~$4,000 a year" proposal is that it's disguised as something ground-breaking.

My favorite philosopher of all time, Lil Duval, once said, "You can't spend a thousand dollars on anything these days but bullshit." I'm inclined to agree.

At first, I thought this was just another rich man showing how out of touch he is with day-to-day America. I mean, do these jet-setters not realize they're making these on-the-clock proclamations from a resort-town like Destin, Florida? Steve Spurrier is due 2.8 million dollars this year. And he wants to toss his players ~$4,000 more? That's hilarious.

If Spurrier were really about that life, he'd volunteer to take that money out of his own salary.

Make no mistake, this is just another half-baked idea which I've come to expect from people who look like Steve Spurrier. Here is somebody who sits upon a pile of company credit cards and free cars while making millions of dollars, posturing as some moral crusader on the issue.

"We're trying to get extra money for living expense, academic expense, game-related expense to our players because of the tremendous amount of money -- billions -- they're bringing (in).".

Yes, that's right. Steve Spurrier acknowledges that his players play key roles in bringing in billions of dollars and his solution is to cut them an an extra $4,000 dollars annually. Is that even enough to cover the annual (discounted) sum of rent at a hotel?

This ploy means one of two things: 1) Spurrier is simply naive about "the real streets of America" or 2) something more sinister is afoot here. (My three fans -- shoutout to @me, @myself, and @i -- already know which door I'm breaking down.)

I don't think Steve Spurrier truly wants to pay his players any more than his tax-free institution does. Spurrier is a smart man, but you don't acquire respect in a snake-pit like the SEC without learning a few serpentine tricks. I think Spurrier is well aware of the blatant low-ball offer he's attempting to shroud as a legitimate.

We saw what kind of coaching skills Spurrier really had when he waded into the NFL. Stupid tricks, arbitrary rules, and the whole power-dick thing really don't play over well in a league made of other grown ass men. In college, however, Spurrier has found his niche.

Spurrier and other coaches supporting this dipshit offering know it's a half-baked idea. However, if it passes, then it probably would stave off talk of any further pavements until all of them are drawing on their ridiculous state pensions. That's a win for them, which is why they support it. (It will also be a tool they'll bludgeon recruits with, I'm sure.)

It's easier to rule with an iron-fist as the overlord of some tinpot, middling-of-the-table program like South Carolina when you keep your underlings hungry. If they were to elevate players out of the abject poverty many of them (and their immediate families) are bound by, I doubt the Assistant Principle routine would fly as easily in the locker-room.

If I were a player under Spurrier, I'd be disgusted.