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What If Urban Meyer Fails? A Nightmare Lived

Urban Meyer's hiring has been considered money-in-the-bank.
Urban Meyer's hiring has been considered money-in-the-bank.

I had a hellacious nightmare last night, worse any I had during the entire 2011-2012 season. Last year, Ohio State's mediocrity could be pinned on the loss of an offensive dynamo like Terrelle Pryor, as well as the departure of the most successful Ohio State coach since St. Woody Hayes. Those reasons were never far from my mind when I watched people like the shovel-faced Robert Marve celebrate over Ohio State's corpse last year.

Granted, I picked Ohio State to "shock the world" and finish 11-1 last year; partly because I'm an idiot and partly because I refuse to forecast doom and gloom for any team I root for not named the "Los Angeles Dodgers" or "Aston Villa". As a man who has this great state tattooed on his torso, it's simply a matter of pride to me.

My mind is a decedent labyrinth largely fueled by drugs, so it has no problem concocting specters and demons to torture me in my sleep. That said, last night's nightmare was bone-rattling; it was probably my mind's most fearsome by-product yet.

In this Hell, the Michigan-Ohio State game was on ESPN2, narrated by that hooker slaying son-of-a-blister Craig James as the Wolverines were putting it on the Buckeyes by 21+.

"Well, this is not how this is supposed to be going at all," I thought in my dream, but there it was. The Wolverines were bulldozing the Silver Bullets and Ohio State's offense was stymied. I had put so much little thought into this scenario, I thought I awoke in a puddle of my own piss. (Turns out, 90+ degree heat with no air conditioner makes a man sweat, even in sleep.)

My thoughts on the Urban Meyer hiring are known. I think he will usher in an Ohio State dynasty that rivals the Ming Dynasty, which ruled China for nearly three centuries. I do not think the Big Ten is ready for the dogs of war which Urban Meyer is about to let slip.

Again, party because I'm an uneducated idiot, I have always given my dreams more weight than they deserve. This one has given me pause.

What if Urban Meyer fails at Ohio State? What if his offense just can't bang on the elite levels of college football without a human battering ram like Tim Tebow?

Expectations have soared since Urban Meyer, he with a championship pinkie ring on each hand, took the reigns of the Ohio State football program. His bloodlines are undeniable, but the man has yet to coach a game at The Ohio State University. What if his destiny is to be Brady Hoke's punching bag?

Michigan fans will fancy this, because they beat Tim Tebow in some corporate exhibition game which was the last game of the Lloyd Carr regime, but it is a scenario which must be weighed if for nothing else than to temper expectations in Columbus.

I think Urban Meyer's hiring will prove that Ohio State football is simply too big to fail, but there is a reason why coaches like Urban Meyer oppose a play-off: it makes the road to glory that much harder. After all, it's not like either of Urban's rings can become animate and make on-the-field plays for the Buckeyes.

In reality, expectations have no utility. If you expect success, then you have already suckled from its teat before it is even in your mouth. It tempers the euphoria of winning. On the other hand, if you have expectations for success that go up in flames, it makes losing that much more miserable for you and much more fun for your enemies.

Buckeyes fans have done a hell of a job of lifting the expectations this year despite a bowl-ban. I know this because I have been one of Urban Meyer's most devout apostles.

I must warn ye, however, fellow Buckeyes fans, I have tasted the sting of defeat with Urban Meyer at the helm. Do you know what it's like to see Urban Meyer looking angry/befuddled on the sidelines while Brady Hoke cools his heels in a tub of hot gravy with his team up 21.... all with Craig James cackling in the background like the hooker-butchering jackal that he is?

It is a Hell no thinking man wants any part of, so please... won't you save us, Coach Urban Meyer? You mean too much to this state to fail.