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On Blathering Mike Bianchi

Somebody call --- the National Guard? -- a criminal is afoot!
Somebody call --- the National Guard? -- a criminal is afoot!

56k internet executed the newspaper industry circa 1994. I didn't attend its execution -- I was too busy doing God-knows-what during routine 6-hour sessions of Netscape Navigator -- but through some stroke of divine intervention, the Newspaper industry has staved off death and has been publicly bleeding out for nearly two decade now.

People tell me newspapers used to mean something in this country. I guess I believe them, but these are the same people who let the internet go uninvented for nearly 2,000 years after Jesus Christ's death. Much like the e-mail killed the Pony Express, the internet has the Newspaper industry in its death throes.

I won't shed any tears, because most of the six newspapers I've picked up over the last 10 years have been pretty shitty. Why would I want to read a bunch of AP articles which were tweeted out 72 hours ago? The game done changed on newspapers, and instead of adapting to it, the industry has tried to maintain its status against the inevitability of time.

Next time you hear somebody waxing philosophical about the downfall of newspapers and the ramifications of it for society, please point that person to Mike Bianchi's latest bleating in the Orlando Sentinel. This is an occasion to be celebrated, not mourned.

First though, I guess a congratulations is in order for Mike Bianchi. His troll ramblings got me to click on his employer's link. Hell, for the purpose of this article, I've already clicked a handful of times. This is a W in a sense for Mike Bianchi and the Orlando Sentinel. They have claimed a glorious victory on this day, but unfortunately for them, they will lose the war because I am never clicking on any Bianchi's or his employer's links ever again.

Mike Bianchi opened his column with TEN -- TEN! -- one sentence paragraphs. (20+ one-sentence paragraphs in total). Do you know who also is a big fan of one sentence paragraphs? That whiny bag of puss, Bill Plaschke. Both of these clowns work for newspapers, and I'm supposed to shed tears over this industries downfall? Shit, where is my torch? I will set flame to this decadent, rotting institution myself.

And what has Mike Bianchi's lazy thinking given us this time? Ah, more bitter tears against Urban Meyer. I guess that's what happens when you're an untalented hack who has the mental depth of a children's pool; you have to make trips back to the same, divisive watering hole over and over again. I guess I shouldn't even be surprised by the fact the only time Mike Bianchi seems relevant is when he's slinging mud at Urban Meyer.

It's also funny because Bianchi used the Stoneburner-Mewhort piss scandal as proof as what a two-timing schemer Urban Meyer is, how Urban is pretending to be a disciplinarian after letting his Florida players run wild. Actually, Bianchi has a much funnier way of indicting Urban:

There has been some sort of mistake, right?

A case of misidentification?

Or maybe aliens have landed at Ohio State and possessed the body of new coach Urban Meyer.

Yeah, that's it: "Invasion of the Buckeye Snatchers."

Somebody quickly call the police – or, better yet, the National Guard – and have this alien Urban impostor detained, arrested and charged with impersonating a disciplinarian.

Ho, ho, ho! What an opening gut-buster by Bianchi! You can almost see him giggling at his jape each time he hit the "ENTER" key for that one. Never mind the fact "impersonating a disciplinarian" isn't a criminal offense. (Also, I'm not sure if aliens are protected habeas corpus, but I may just be splitting straws at this point.)

If Bianchi were doing anything but setting his brain on "auto pilot", he would realize Urban's publicized punishment for Mewhort and Stoneburner rang hollow, which would have fit into his argument that Urban Meyer (and I guess by extension, Tim Tebow) can only win with talented gang-bangers. But hey, I guess that would have ruined that sick "Invasion of the Buckeye Snatchers" opening salvo.

I guess my question would be, if Mike Bianchi insists on viewing sports as a struggle of RIGHT vs. WRONG, what does he expect Urban Meyer to do with two 20-somethings caught urinating in public? Does he want them to be detained, arrested, and charged by the National Guard? Should urinating in public -- something I'm sure somebody as pious as Mr. Bianchi has never done before -- be punishable by expulsion from the team? (Hell, if it were my team, they would've only been punished for being division one athletes who got hawked by shitty suburban cops, but I guess I don't view sports as a moral judgement on my soul.)

When I look at the ad-cluttered, poorly designed website of the Orlando Sentinel, it's easy to see why the Newspaper industry is dying. When I read Mike Bianchi, it makes me glad the Newspaper industry is dying the most violent death possible. Mike Bianchi and his ilk are old, prattling relics who don't deserve to be on the same historical shelf as record players and Walkmans, but that's where they're headed there nonetheless. This is definitely a W for the rest of us, history won't remember any of them.