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Bourbon Meyer & The Coaches Of The Big Ten In Cocktail Form

I must admit, you've never looked better, Bret Bielema.
I must admit, you've never looked better, Bret Bielema.

Big Ten Media Day is coming up kinda sorta soon-ish, and all the new coaches in the conference are going to want to introduce themselves to one another and the media. Some coaches need no introduction, but some of the "new guys" may find themselves in need of some common ground with their respected peers. Your high school probably had pep rallies, and many workplaces still do off-site organized activities in order to introduce the newer members of the team to their counterparts. With respect to "trust falls" and other dumb ways your workplace may conduct team-building exercises, we thought of a better icebreaker: Each coach must describe their outlook on their coming year as if it were a cocktail. After the Freeh report, sadly, we could all use a drink.

Without further ado, Land-Grant Holy Land presents: The Coaches of the Big Ten in Cocktail Form.

Warning: due to these drinks' content they should never actually be consumed by anyone under any circumstances. Consider yourselves legally warned.

Urban Meyer: "The Bourbon Meyer"

  • 2 shots Wild Turkey Bourbon
  • 1 tsp lemon juice
  • 3 oz walrus repellent

Preparation: Ignite with blowtorch and garnish.

The fire this puts in one's belly is necessary to burn Jim Bollman's playbook (which was actually just a plank of petrified wood with "DAVE OR BRAXTON DO THINGS" and a sad face scrawled onto its surface with a penknife).

Brady Hoke: "The Domino Effect"

  • Three cans of Stroh's
  • An entire large Domino's brand pizza.

Consume in under ten seconds for desired effect.

The cans must be subsequently crushed on the drinker's head, causing them to fall backwards; hence the name.

Bill O'Brien: No name needed.

  • One part formaldehyde

Take straight to the dome, just like in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.

You're gonna need to forget a lot of things and start over.

Mark Dantonio: "The 300"

  • 2 parts vodka
  • 1 part Kraken black spiced rum
  • 1 part Jameson
  • 1 part Meijer brand orange juice
  • 1 tsp vanilla dextra

Preparation: Down drink, let out 3 consecutive howls.

Great success!! (Proceed to purge drink from body, messily, and in public view.)

Danny Hope: "Koo Koo Kachoo"

  • 1 quart, Lucas Oil 50 wt Synthetic Motorcycle Oil

Preparation: Serve with lemon and lime wedges in a chilled tumbler.

Bottoms up! (hoot hoot) Don't get it in your ‘stache.

Tim Beckman: "Rocket Fuel"

  • 1 part Mao-Tai (Chinese state liquor)
  • 1 part ginger ale
  • 1 part dreary Champaign perma-clouded water
  • 1 hair from the head of Eric Page.

Mao-tai is often referred to as "rocket fuel" and must be sipped in tiny glasses by those who aren't accustomed to it, because it tastes so damn awful. Beckman's going to need a lot of it to reverse what [REDACTED] did to that team.

Jerry Kill: "Le Sigh"

  • 2 1/2 oz Heaven Hill brand vodka
  • 1/2 oz dry vermouth

Preparation: garnish with an olive.

A french classic, vodka martini, but made with the most wretched spirits there are. Ballin' on a budget and oh god the smell man why did I even order this UGHHHHH GOD WHYYYYYYYYYY

Kevin Wilson: "The Rebuilding Year"

  • 8 oz boxed wine
  • Well vodka and generic soda

Repeat until blacked out and brutally hung over the next morning. At least you've beaten something.

Bo Pelini: "The St. Anger"

  • 6 oz Red Bull
  • Double shot of Jagermeister
  • Double shot of Vodka

Chase with Bud Light. Repeat twice.

Because nothing makes a man angrier more quickly than copious amounts of stimulants mixed with copious amounts of depressants.

Kirk Ferentz: "The Nightcap"

  • A piece of leftover cornbread.
  • A glass of warm milk.

Because that's how we do things in Iowa City, son. Wholesome and hearty and extremely large offensive linemen.

Pat Fitzgerald: "The Linebacker"

  • 1 part lime juice
  • Double shot of Jose Cuervo Gold
  • Shot of Captain Morgan Black
  • 20 mg Adderall

Northwestern's coach is made up of college high quality and "college expensive" ingredients that turns out to make a pretty average cocktail overall.

Bret Bielema: "BEER"

  • 32 oz Milwaukee's Best

Drink. Drink another. Then another. Then another. Mix in occasional shots of whatever happens to be in the pantry, at random intervals of the drinking session. Consume until paranoid and accusatory. Wait 8-10 hours. Now you're in the exact same physical state as Bret Bielema before every major media event of the last 4 years.

Be sure to leave additional cocktail suggestions in the comments below, and please drink responsibly! Especially the formaldehyde. Seriously, go easy on that stuff.