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The Horseshoe

Might be time for a return to the ol' 'Shoe.
Might be time for a return to the ol' 'Shoe.

The last game in the Horseshoe I attended was the Penn State banger in '08 where Terrelle Pryor fumbled the magic diamond, ultimately costing the Buckeyes the game. Afterwards, back at my friend's apartment on 12th Ave, some Penn State bro blared his fight-song Megahorn (complete with that ol' Nittany Lion roar) on-and-off until five o'clock in the morning.

It's the closest I came to murder, and frankly, I do find some pleasure knowing that clown has probably drowned in a puddle of his own piss and tears since then, but it was an experience that totally turned me off actually attending live football games.

It's partly because I attended the greatest live football game in the history of mankind earlier that month -- the Browns rout of the defending World Champion, the New York GIants -- and partly because I hate large crowds and waiting 20 minutes in line to use a disgusting port-a-pot. Also, when you attend a football game in person, you realize how much of the game is actually standing around and waiting. I've blocked much of the Penn State-experience from my mind, but I remember straining my eyes from the corners of the South Stands in anticipation for some ESPN-brochacho to drop his hand so play could begin.

There are only so many tiny bottles of Jack Daniels you can smuggle into Ohio Stadium. There is only so much standing and waiting I can do without phone service to lean on.

However, after seeing that some Yahoo! Network Contributor I've never heard of has ranked Ohio Stadium -- a place where apparently 100,000 college students mass for games -- as the toughest place to play in America, well, I guess I'm going to have to re-examine my policies this fall.

Personally, I've always enjoyed going to away games than home games, but I think it's time for me to lift my moratorium on the Horseshoe. This may mean I have to up the numbers at my budding meth factory in order to secure the currency needed to scalp my way into the stadium, then I guess this is my way of "going really, really hard" for the squad. (The last sentence may be a joke, and if you're law enforcement, it definitely was. And no, I don't know anything about "Sparkle Laundry" in Missoula, Montana. Y do u ask?)

Do they still do Seven Nation Army chants in the Horseshoe? Good golly, I hope not. I figured this was just another sign of the lack of American sports fans' originality, but then I watched the Euros this summer only to find this song has infested the world. (Turns out, Americans stole it from the Europeans.)

Also, why hasn't Ohio State capitalized on selling beer in the Horseshoe? Like President Gee doesn't roll around to off-campus parties (where underage drinking is inevitably going on)? Sure, there's always going to be the dipshits who wrangle with a bottle of Jaegermeister and loosen their bowels in the stands, but I don't see how $7-$12 beers is going to change anything on that front. Less corporate logos around the Horseshoe, more mind-numbing alcohol, please.

These are merely requests, and while I doubt I'll have enough money to scalp tickets to watch Ohio State punch their undefeated season and hand Michigan their second or third L of the campaign, I think I'm going to make my return to the Shoe for the Nebraska game.

I look forward to meeting whatever bro who draws the unfortunate consequence of sitting next to me for a live football game. I also hope he's rowdy and wants to party, because I despise sports fans who demand every mote of strength from their players, yet can't muster the strength to get buck for two and a half hours.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but I think Ohio State will do its arbitrary ranking justice this year. Both on the field and in the stands. If you plan on leaving Ohio Stadium with your voice, then you should probably give your ticket to somebody else.