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Sage Advice For Ohio State Freshmen

An old collegiate saying: "Better a bloody nose than syphilis."
An old collegiate saying: "Better a bloody nose than syphilis."

Today, for thousands of privileged youth, is the first day of college. Better yet for some, they're enjoying the first day of classes at The Ohio State University.

I hate them... every single one of them. Is this hatred out born out of pure jealousy? Yes, but I'll never admit it.

Just know this, you 18 year-old dickbags, this is unquestionably the greatest day of your lives, and right now, as the world turns, the Grim Reaper is pilfering seconds away from your life. YOU FALL FROM YOUR MOUNTAINTOP THIS VERY MOMENT, but god damnit, I would trade spots with any of you in a second. Actually, my decision would take less than that, because the rumors are true: college is awesome.

I didn't know shit about shit when I was 18, and now that I'm 25, I know even less. However, in my futile five and a half year quest to secure a Bachelor's Degree, I came to know a little bit about post-secondary education, and I'm here to render my unsolicited advice to my imaginary audience.

You have to pay your student loans back. You would think college would be cheap in a society as rich as America's, but since you're attending The Ohio State University, you already got slapped in the face with the price of higher education, even at a public university.

In your quest of pursuing a degree at your dream school -- and really, only Ivy League losers wouldn't consider The Ohio State University their dream school -- you may have pimped yourself out to loan sharks private lenders to make up the difference in your bank account.

Because of that, you were probably reimbursed a little something-something from the Bursar's office earlier this week, and you might even be dialing your weed dealer right now.

Do you feel like paying the interest on that sack of weed until you're 35? Because Sallie Mae and others know that answer is "yes", because all 18 year-olds are stupid, which is why they're willing to fork over $30,000 to an undergraduate studying in liberal arts.

These lenders will have their money, even if it means harassing your parent's and friend's for your current location and threatening liens against your wages and domicile. Personally, I don't care about what some computers in Delaware have to say about my "credit score", but you might... so, just think before you go cashing out with these lenders. I don't care about default because I'm much more talented at ducking calls than you.

If you don't know why you're in college, leave or postpone it. Take it from a guy whose white middle-class upbringing indoctrinated him into attending college immediately after graduating high school. (You know, because people have their life plans in order by the time they're 18.)

Don't do what I did, and basically spend your first two and a half years choosing classes "because they sound interesting" and meandering around without a path to graduation. If you don't know what you want to do, the last thing you should be doing is incurring debt while you figure out what your next move is.

Nobody gives a shit. I hate to break this to you guys, but, none of you are special. At Ohio State, you are little more than a number with a tuition price attached to you. When you're funneled into your 500 person Biology lecture hall, you will almost be able to hear Gordon Gee cackling from his Ivory-coated office.

Yes, there will be teachers who care and who help, but there will probably be more who are just in it for the pay-check, ones who have already surrendered their teaching to PowerPoints.

It's easy to become lost at Ohio State; they do not cradle you, and if you want to walk into the academic abyss, they will let you. Don't plan on leaning your advisor either, because chances are, you won't be able to schedule an appointment with him/her for the next two and a half weeks.

Go to class and sit in the front row. Good golly was I bad at this, but really, that's 75% of the battle, just dragging your sorry-ass carcass to class. Me? I hate mornings, so I got around this by scheduling 50% of my classes after 12 PM and skipping the other 50%.

The cool thing is though, you don't even need to write down anything in most classes. Just sit there, listen, and try to ignore Twitter for the duration of class. (Something else I was terrible at.) Go to class, kick it in the front row, and you will learn 75% of the information simply by osmosis.

Don't buy textbooks. College textbooks are, without a shadow of a doubt, the biggest racket going on in America today. I wasn't there when crack swept through our nation's inner-cities in the Eighty's, but I'd be willing to bet the crack dons had a hustle much like these book barons. They may even be the same dudes.

Unless you happen to enjoy being sexually assaulted, steer clear of campus book stores. College professors will tell you their books are "mandatory" -- bullshit -- we live in the 21st century now, THE INTERNET IS THE ONLY BOOK YOU NEED.

Wikipedia is a legitimate source. FUCK WHAT YOU HEARD, Wikipedia is like any other source of information in this world: some lies, some truths. I'll tell you this much, I've cited Wikipedia a shit-ton during my late-night academic paper come-ups, and not once did I ever get dinged for inaccurate information.

Never copy and paste anything into a paper. I can't stress this enough. My buddy almost didn't graduate because he copy/pasted an elective's FINAL on Thai food, because he's a dipshit. Teachers have programs where they can submit your paper and contrast it AGAINST THE ENTIRE INTERNET. Are you smarter than a computer? Probably not.

Why copy/paste in the first place? Just type it into your own words. Don't know any l337 words? GET A GOD DAMN THESAURUS. It's not worth getting jammed up by the Academic Misconduct Board, because they will wreck your shit. Wreck. Your. Shit.

Don't talk shit to people you don't know. Unless you fight in a cage for a living, there's no need for playground puffery if somebody bumps into you at a bar. Unless you plan on swinging on the guy, just shut the hell up and go about your night. There is nothing more unseemly than a bunch of brochachos pushing-and-shoving at a bar and throwing around "What ifs" like they should be throwing punches.

Stay away from Greek Life. If you want to join the Greek society, simply coat yourself in baby oil, put your life saving's into a bath-tub, and light it on fire. There, you just got the whole Greek experience in 1/100th the time and ended up with all of the self-hate.

There is nothing fun about living with more than 3 people. Nothing. There is nothing fun about dressing up like idiots and riding a school bus to some po-dunk "resort" in order to stage a "theme party". If you want that life, then leave college and go join the circus.

Sure, maybe some dip-shit will give you a job in five years because of four words on your resume, but that means you're dealing with somebody who still takes Greek life seriously past the age of 7. You will never regret not joining a fraternity or a sorority.

Avoid any bar at the Gateway. Unless you like listening to really loud radio music in an over-crowded bar while drinking $4 Bud Light Bottles and $10+ shots of tequila, then really, there is no point to going to any bar in the Gateway.

You will never look back at nights and money you spent at "Ugly Tuna Saloona" and say to yourself, "Boy, that shit sure makes me proud!" It's just a bunch of skanky women and bro'd out dudes listening to obnoxiously shitty music. Seriously, that's it.

College, like high school, is a joke. Remember how high school seemed LIKE A REALLY BIG DEAL back when you were in high school? College is kinda like that. You think it's a big deal when you're in it, but the second you leave, you realize what a colossal joke it is and that none of it really matters anyway.