Ohio State's Head Football Coaches Through The Years

The Ohio State University posted Sunday a tremendous feature on Ohio State's coaches through the years. You should read it. This accompanying article borrows liberally from it and offers a light hearted (read: mostly satirical) look into the men behind the men in the Buckeye football program over the years.

Few know that Ohio State's football program's inception came at the hands of a nineteenth century libertine. The fact that he rode a pony everywhere while having the last name Lilley were only to offset the unthinkable number of women suitors he had to brush aside at any and all times. In fact with six months of sprawl training, Lilley would've dominated Strikeforce of the era. It's just a fact.

21 years old. You've accomplished nothing in your life. Ryder (who had sort of a 1980's action series name going on) was also the first emo kid ever to coach major college football. \m/

In addition to growing up to play Samwise Gamgee in Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, Hickey also publicized chrysanthemums being sold at concession stands. Delicious.

A beat poet 70 years before his time, David F. Edwards (who could've written TV pilots or been a failed congressman with that monicker) was the very first Ohio State coach to lose to Michigan. Trailblazer!

The Old Man and the Olentangy. 'Jacques', as he was known to his close personal friend, pioneered unbeaten seasons, being Ohio state champions, and men's fashion. Bravo, sir.

He helped coach a team that lost so embarrassingly it inspired Carmen, OH. O-H! (That hair, tho.)

In addition to being the first person to actually change their name based on a "What would your stripper name be?" template, he also later inspired Sweet Sweetland's Baadasssss Song. Ya dig? Also: he hated sleeves and may or may not have started Under Armour. Developing.

... I'm going to go out on a limb and say hiring Mr. Herrnstein was a mistake, in hindsight.

A Yalie! But hiring one was probably like hiring an SEC coordinator at the time. Besides, how many coaches out there can claim to have helmed Ohio State, Iowa, and USC?

Coaching Ohio State football sucked so bad he decided to go to law school instead. WELP.

He looks somehow like a cross between Ricky Gervais and the dad from "Tree of Life". He also quit a game due to the other's 'excessive violence'? U MAD? (But seriously, he should've just escalated things with even dirtier play.)

A coach of many firsts for the Buckeye football program. He also looked like a b-roll version of a scientist. SCIENCE!

Why not go out on top? Nick Saban, it's not too late to retire, bro. Nowhere to go but down, etc.

He started the Gold Pants Club. Also: he carried around jewelry as a man named Francis in the 30's, so I'm guessing he beat a lot of people. A lot.

Paul Brown cursed Ohio with both the Browns and the Bengals. He also set the table for guys to leave good things to go to Maryland calling it 'a dream job'. Probably.

More like Widdoes maker, amirite? Well career killer, maybe. He seems to the first guy to be named Coach of the Year and then vacate their job the very next season not in the NFL.

All in all I preferred Jason Priestly's work in 90210.

The first Ohio State head coach to commit wanton NCAA violations and run a lawless program? /Bob Ryan'd & /Michigan fans'd

Never heard of the guy.

"The Boss", as he was affectionately known, inspired Ohio State's current frontman to drop out of high school, learn to play the guitar, and sleep on pool tables while singing about the working man's blues. I may have missed a detail or two in there.

If you aren't down with The JHC there's a back button just diagonally above to the left. Feel free to use it.

THANK YOU, BASED SWEATERVEST.

Huh? Where was I when that happened?

I guess Tim Beckman must've said no.