Another Funeral For The Michigan Man

When the "Cowboy Classic" kicks off this weekend, it will be a lot of things. Namely, it will be an amateur game saturated in corporate money (for everybody involved except the players, obvii).

Instead of doing the right thing, and scheduling a home-and-home and giving this extra revenue to campus-area establishments, they've decided to write a check to that smarmy smurf Jerry Jones.

Cool. Awesome. Neat. "The Cowboy Classic", sure sounds like a banger, although I'm not sure how anything can be considered a "Classic" since this is only the second re-incarnation of the corporate event.

I'll be watching it mainly because I never miss Michigan getting wiped from the Earth. And yes, I'm aware of what a gutless hypocrite this makes me.

The other reason is I have a feeling it will be the latest death in the sorrowful tale of the "Michigan Man" myth, and I'm feeling rather randy about it.

Yesterday, Michigan running man Fitzgerald Toussaint pleaded guilty to "operating a vehicle while visibly impaired," part of a plea bargain he took to get the charges reduced from "operating while intoxicated."

I feel like anybody who socially drinks has "operated while intoxicated", or maybe that's just me trying to rationalize my own actions in this matter. But, I've always understood the consequences of my actions.

And yes, before we get any further, angry dudes on the internet, I'm aware my favorite program employs a man who once let a guy who fired off an AK-47 back onto his team, but I don't think that kind of stuff would be tolerated at Ohio State, or maybe I'm just being naive about the matter.

Regardless, I've always ranked crime like this: 1) Murder 2) Child Molestation 3) DUI. I'd rather get charged with running a cocaine empire than have anything relating to a DUI on my record.

Because make no mistake, Fitzgerald Toussaint is playing in the Cowboy Classic. The plea-bargain negotiated by a defense lawyer who I'm 99.9% sure has a Michigan Law degree all but ensures it.

Brady Hoke has played it coy this whole time -- another one of his pop psychology ploys -- but this week he told his hand when he said, "Whenever you're in this position, you've got to make decisions that are best for your program."

Michigan (and to a lesser extent, the Big Ten, but fuck the BIg Ten) has A LOT riding on this game against Alabama. If Michigan opened with Miami, there is zero doubt Fitzgerald Toussaint would be suspended for it. Hell, he might have even lost his summer scholarship!

But this is the big leagues, with millions of dollars floating around and PRIDE IS ON THE LINE. Michigan likes to pretend they run a squeaky clean program, as if there isn't an odd amount of Denard Robinson signed memorabilia floating around the internet. They like to pretend that they do things the right way. They're a lot like Penn State fans used to be.

In a sense, they're Steelers fans of college football. You always hear about The Steeler Way, as if they don't have a rapist as their starting quarterback. It's the same thing.

The Michigan Myth has been an Ohio State inside joke for the last 50 years. So, when their slovenly coaching staff decides to let Troussaint strap up on Saturday, I hope some Michigan fans realize they're in the sewers with every other big time program in this country.

Perhaps it will ease the pain of Denard Robinson's untimely 3rd quarter paralyzation.