clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Recruiting Penn State Players

"Hey there, sexy."
"Hey there, sexy."

When the NCAA sanctioned Penn State to near-death two weeks ago, Bill O’Brien’s roster became a list of pursuable free-agents to every coach in the country. Although some coaches refuse to actively recruit these players, there have been others going after Penn Staters with varying ranges of aggressiveness.

This LGHL exclusive gives you an inside look at how some of the most notable coaches in the country are recruiting JoePa’s former players.

Lane Kiffin, USC

Recruiting Target: Silas Redd, starting running back.

Recruiting Pitch: "Silas, USC needs you. We have a good chance at making a title run this year and you’d put us over the top. Besides, everywhere you go here smells like turds. Come to LA and all you’ll smell is success and the lust of a thousand women vying for your attention. Plus, we have the best laser tag in LA. I bet you’ve never even seen a laser before ‘cause everyone here is Amish, right?"

The Added Touch: Kiffin gave his pitch sitting between Will Ferrell and Snoop (Lion). Will did nothing but stare at Silas uncomfortably, and Snoop found an old sock and a snickers wrapper between the cushions and somehow made a bong out of the two.

Success Rate: 100% -- because Lane Kiffin takes whatever he wants. Just now he took your mother’s virginity. You can complain about how that’s impossible all you want, but please do it quietly because your mother and Lane Kiffin need their beauty sleep.

Les Miles, LSU

Recruiting Target: Rob Bolden, third string quarterback.

Recruiting Pitch: "You know why I’m here son. You know I need a quarterback. Not just any quarterback, but one with a full, broad chest who isn’t afraid to go to battle with me. You like cajun food? You don’t? Me neither. Hated it forever. If you come to LSU, you and I will rid Lousiana of cajun. I tried it once myself but failed miserably. It’s a two-man job."

The Added Touch: Les Miles made his entire recruiting pitch petting a baby goat, dressed head-to-toe in full jousting gear. He did not explain why.

Success Rate: 50% -- he signed Rob Bolden, but his success rate was dropped because LSU’s roster now includes Rob Bolden.

Tim Beckman, Illinois

Recruiting Target: Anyone dressed in blue and white.

Recruiting Pitch: "Excuse me folks, can I have your attention. My name is Tim Beckman and I’m the head coach at Illinois. We’re looking for football players to join our team. I want to assure you that Ron Zook is no longer associated with Illinois, despite his recent attempts to sneak in and live in our air-ducts. We’re excited to move forward, but we need you to help us get the wheels moving. Who’s in?!"

The Added Touch: Tim Beckman made this pitch with a megaphone at the door of the university cafeteria. Half way through, one of the students piped "Hungry Eyes" through the university speakers, but that didn’t bother Beckman one bit.

Success Rate: 0% -- Not for their success or failure in signing any players, but because when Ron Zook is even mentioned in conversation, no one wins.