Things I Think I Know About Ohio State & College Football After Week 1

Michigan is not good. Before we get around to restating the obvious, I'd like to issue a correction in the wake of my article last week. While Brady Hoke squirmed and played it coy until the day of the game, and thus deployed yet ANOTHER pop psychology ploy, he did indeed "suspend" Fitz Troussaint for one game. That said, I don't think Fitz Troussaint would have been enough to erase the shellacking the Michigan Men took at the hands of the Crimson Tide Saturday night.

While Denard Robinson avoided my prophesied third quarter paralyzation, I'm not sure one could discern that from his stat line. Is it me, or does Robinson have anything more than a little jig and desperate heaves to his receivers?

I had the privilege of watching the Michigan-Alabama game with a Michigan "fan". I put scare quotes around fan because this gentleman also professed to like Boston teams so I'm not sure a derelict like that can be taken at his word. On Lacy's first-play-of-the-game no-yard run, I thought Princess Peach had found her crown.

Unfortunately for Michigan Bro and his ilk, Nick Saban, smurf king, still rocks it. By midway through the second quarter, Brady Hoke and I both knew the competition was over. I give props to Michigan for having the "cojones" to schedule Alabama and get the shit kicked out of them on national television, but good golly, they looked pitiful.

QUIT TALKING TRASH, MICHIGAN. YOUR STAR HASN'T RISEN FROM ITS POOL OF PANCAKE BATTER JUST YET.

The Big Ten is not good either. It appears it's going to be another year of moribund mediocrity. Whether it was Michigan getting baptized by Alabama mongrels or Wisconsin needing all four quarters to put away the mighty Panthers of the University of Northern Iowa, it appears it will be yet another season of "old man football" in the Big Ten.

Is Ohio State the only one that gets it around here, because I'm starting to think that's the case. I was going to write exclusively about how Ohio State should leave the Big Ten this week, but I didn't feel like being called a troll by people from Cresco, Iowa, but I think it would be wise for Ohio State to look at finding a new home in the coming years, because it appears the Big Ten is hell-bent on keeping their football in the 1990's.

The Lancaster Eagle-Gazette thinks the US Constitution applies to OSU football Sorry, chaps, but the Woody Hayes Athletic Center at the Les Wexner Football Complex isn't a court of law. Ohio State was correct in initially dismissing Storm Klein due to domestic violence charges even though the charges didn't end up sticking.

I like how the Eagle-Gazette acknowledges they're as "frustrated as anyone by the challenges of prosecuting these cases", before going on to say Ohio State should have waited before giving Storm Klein the boot.

Last week, I ranked crime like this: 1) Murder 2) Child Molestation 3) DUI. I misspoke. There is actually a crime that fits in between child molestation and driving while intoxicated and that crime is "domestic violence".

I know there is a large group of angry males on the internet who toss around made-up words like "misandry", but there should be zero tolerance for something like domestic abuse. Urban kicked him off the team (thus sending the message that needed to be sent), knowing that if the charges were dropped, he'd re-examine Klein's status with the team.

That's exactly what happened.

And no, Eagle-Gazette, I don't particularly feel sorry for somebody who put themself in a situation where domestic abuse charges were even possible. Nor do I feel sorry for people whose mothers take to Bleacher Report to defend their son's integrity.

Mike Bianchi is a tool. Everybody knows this, even Urban Meyer. That's hilarious.

Ohio State is still going 12-0. After I was about to buy Jim Bollman a first-class one-way ticket to Columbus International, the Buckeyes finally got rolling. Options, fakes, motions, it felt like a 13-year-old was controlling the Buckeyes on the X-Box 360 sticks, and it was amazing to watch.

Ohio bandwagon riders can go to hell. I was tailgating near St. John's arena on Saturday and I saw some grown ass bro wearing khaki shorts above his knees, a baby papoose over his chest, an Ohio State shirt and a Miami hat.

I heard him say he was a Miami alum but he liked the Bucks. I should have hit him in the head with a brick.

Look, if you went to a second-tier school in Ohio own up to that shit. I'm sick of these people cheering for Ohio State and then trying to get cute when the Buckeyes summon their squad into the Shoe to get butchered.

Have you seen the videos of Ohio University fans in Athens celebrating knocking off Penn State? I didn't even know Ohio University had that many fans. That's because they don't - there are more Ohio State fans at Ohio University than Ohio fans. But if the Bobcats were ever to dump the Buckeyes, the entire city of Athens might get burned to the ground (not that it'd be totally missed or anything).

Out of high school, my grades weren't good enough for Ohio State, so I exiled myself to Montana in order to straighten that out before returning triumphantly I rode for the Grizzlies in the interim. So continue riding your tiny bandwagons, Miami, Ohio, Toledo, and Kent State fans. Ohio State does not need you, and frankly, I don't think they want you either.

College football is an amoral cesspool, but it is a highly entertaining amoral cesspool FOOTBAW, BABY!!!!!!