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Why you should hate Iowa


Matthew Holst

The cry starts in the frozen north of Bemidji, then slowly works south, gathering steam as it passes Duluth, Brainerd, and St. Cloud. It snakes around Rochester, until it finally bursts into the Twin Cities. WHO HATES IOWA? Our brothers in Minnesota ask, a bold challenge, and a call for action. WHO HATES IOWA?

It is time we answer the call from our goofy-accented Big Ten brothers.



And this is why, for at least this week, anyway, you should, too.

Iowa is basically responsible for all the standardized tests you hated as a kid

Remember how you spent half of your K-12 education filling out those stupid bubbles on scantrons? Remember the primal rage that came from when you realized that you were on question 76, and you skipped question 12, and now virtually your entire test was for naught, because your lazy teacher was going to make a machine grade you instead, and they're too stupid to read pencil erasure marks? Remember how you couldn't get into the college you wanted to because somebody decided you needed to be good at analogies? THAT'S IOWA'S FAULT.

If you grew up in the midwest, you probably had to take the Iowa Tests of Basic Skills a few times before high school, another nefarious standardized test. Iowa was also responsible for producing the ACT, and thus, the nervous breakdown of at least one of your high school friends. Basically, the good educators in Minnesota were doing things like programming Oregon Trail, and the diabolical professors at Iowa were busy making sure we'd never have time to play it because we had to fill in bubbles all the the time.

Iowa is not exempt from producing annoying people

Iowans can point to a lot of their distinguished alumni and be proud. They gave the world Gene Wilder, Tom Brokaw, Charles Gaines (the guy who invented paintball, which is kinda cool) and more. However, like every large institution, they have also produced people who are annoying. Examples include:

* George Gallup, the eventual creator of the Gallup Poll, which eventually evolved into insufferable horserace political coverage. Without Gallup, I bet we don't have POLITICO. But we do, and it's terrible.

* Tom Arnold. Who can forget the man who has given us such great American classics like, Beethoven's Christmas Adventure, My Big Redneck Vacation, Group Sex, Good Dick and Revenge of the Taxidermist? And that's just since 2005! Also, I'm sorry that I used the words "Group Sex" and "Good Dick" while also indirectly talking about Tom Arnold. There is some complementary bleach on your way out.

* Ashton Kutcher. Seems like a cool enough guy, but we saw "Just Married".

* Ricky Davis. Greatest Cleveland Cavalier ever? Probably.

* Also, Iowa is apparently responsible for the MFA degree, and thus, contributing to the nation's unemployment crisis.


Those are just the people who went to the University of Iowa. Since we're talking about why you should hate IOWA though, former state residents should be fair game, right? The first person that pops up on the "Famous people from Iowa" list is Michele Bachmann, and really, that ought to be enough right there. The other 900 words in this article are just gravy. Without Iowa, there is no Michele Bachmann. Thanks a lot.

Iowa makes sure we get crappy presidential candidates

Wait, why do we let these losers essentially pick our presidential candidates again? Why are we subjected to thousands of articles every few years of politicians throwing themselves at every high school football game and church cookout in Iowa to throw themselves at the alter of corn ethanol and corn dogs? These people once let Pokemon-quoting Herman Cain lead polls. Iowa, and their other rural loser cousin New Hampshire are the reason we can't have nice things, and why corn-focused issues and homeschooling dominate newspaper headlines every presidential cycle. You people are not more enlightened than the rest of us, and the Iowa caucuses are stupid.

Iowa is the face for the anonymous decline of the Big Ten

At least to Ohio State fans. First, we joke around on the Internet about how Purdue is the forgotten school in the Big Ten, but it's easy to forget about Iowa, who, before expansion, was the second farthest from Columbus school in the Big Ten (538 miles). When discussing this article with some friends, we weren't able to come up with six former Iowa football players without looking it up. After Ohio State's 2006 victory, these schools have only played twice, and they aren't scheduled to come back to Columbus until 2019, a game I will probably miss on TV because I have to take my two children, Braxton and Deshaun, to the park (NOTE: names pending approval from wife). While many of these recent match ups have been close, Iowa is 1-12 against Ohio State since 1992, so Buckeye fans are not in the history of losing sleep over the Hawkeyes.

Expectations for Iowa skyrocketed after a highly successful three year stretch from 2002-2004, when Iowa went 31-7, and beat Florida and LSU in bowl games. Outside of the Orange Bowl win over Georgia Tech in 2009, Iowa has really mostly been just okay...and now very much less than okay. Even though they're dialing up the tempo this season, the Hawkeyes haven't been appointment television in a while. They'll run the ball okay. They'll dink and dunk down the field okay. Then they'll lose to MAC teams in back to back years, and participate in generally unwatchable football. A program that used to be at least decently competitive has descended into the worst place to be in college football...boring purgatory.

If you're going to be a bad football team Iowa, then bottom out in full UConn or Southern Miss glory, and be awful at EVERYTHING, so we have to watch. If you're going to be a plodding, methodical team, then be at least an excellent one that grinds teams into pulp. If you're the kind of team that participates in 9-6 games, then you personify every terrible stereotype about the Big Ten. Iowa, you are part of the problem.

Like the Nazis in Indiana Jones, Iowa has incurred the wrath of an angry God.

I don't want anything to do with a team that carries a curse. For those of you who are unaware, meet AIRBHG, the Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God.

Speaking of tragic things happening to Iowa football players, don't forget this. Let's hope that isn't contagious.

I realize that my theological knowledge on the subject may be called into question here, but I'm pretty sure there actually IS beer in heaven

So there really isn't any reason to keep yelling this, Iowa fans. That kind of pressure will only lead to more incidents like this. Maybe if you relaxed a little bit, God would ease up on your running backs.

In conclusion, Iowa sucks. Go Buckeyes.