Why you should hate Penn State

On the surface, Penn State appears to be one of the least hateable schools in the Big Ten, at least this season. They have a freshman quarterback with high potential that everybody seems to like. They have a no-nonsense coach that loves to go for it on 4th down, and that everybody seems to hold in high regard. Historically, they have a strong record of coupling athletic and academic success, their uniforms are cool...and if we're being honest, they probably aren't going to beat Ohio State this year.

These posts aren't about the surface though. They're about finding lots of reasons to hate, even if we have to dig into the superficial. And once we dig, those reasons are totally there.

Before we get to those though, don't bother writing about Sandusky in the comments. There has been more than enough written about that already. That's a story that doesn't belong in an obviously-not-serious column.

ANYWAY...WHY YOU SHOULD HATE PENN STATE.

Joe Paterno once pooped his pants during an Ohio State game.

I don't actually know if that's a reason you should HATE Penn State per se, but I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you guys that it happened.

Listen, I'm not judging. He's old, he's not feeling well, and he wouldn't be the first person who got so scared and intimidated in Ohio Stadium that he felt like pooping a little. But Joe Paterno pooping himself at Ohio Stadium should probably join the lexicon of things that everybody instantly remembers, like Jim Tressel knowing about things last April, or Mark Richt losing control of things, and Craig James killing five hookers while at SMU.

When it comes to pure, on the field action, they're clearly Ohio State's biggest Non-Michigan rival

1994. 1997. 1999. 2001. 2005. 2008. 2011. What do all of those years have in common? Gut-wrenching losses to Penn State.

There seems to be a popular idea in the Ohio State fan community that Penn State isn't a rival, or to proclaim any other Big Ten school a rival would somehow diminish the place of Michigan as MOST HATED RIVAL. I think this is stupid. Outside of Michigan, especially during the 1990s, no other school in the Big Ten has caused Ohio State more problems than Penn State. In fact, during the 2000s, you could make the case that Penn State has been a harder opponent than Michigan. From the 1994 game, one of my first football memories, when Penn State scored 63 POINTS and made the proud Ohio State program look like Ohio Dominican, to '97, 2005, and 2008, when a Top 10 Buckeye team was felled by Penn State...nobody has kicked us in the balls more, in our lifetimes. That, my friends, deserves some good ol' fashion hate.

Just about every other big school finds it within themselves to multitask and hate multiple schools. We're leaders and legends dammit, we can figure this out, too.

Penn State might have the worst fans in the Big Ten

I realize this is entirely subjective, and not data driven at all. I understand that quite a few other Big Ten schools feel the same way about us, and I'd admit that we're right up there. I am friendly with several Penn State bloggers and fans here in Chicago.

HOWEVAH, it bares mentioning that the first thing I ever wrote on the internet about Ohio State football, way back in 2008, was in response to Penn State fans being assholes in Columbus that year. Also, let's not forget who has the reputation for THROWING PEE. From our friends at the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

In 2005, Penn State students bombarded the Ohio State band with so many projectiles, including balloons filled with urine, that the band did not make the trip two years later. The night of the balloon barrage, many better-behaved Penn State fans, who confined their efforts to lending support to their team, made the OSU players swear the ground was shaking. Nothing has ever shaken, rattled and rolled like that at the Horseshoe.

Ohio State's marching band is, of course, a national treasure, so assaulting them should earn Penn State fans the most scorn possible. Even our friends at GQ agree. Penn State fans suck.

Also, when they aren't chucking urine at people, they're printing some of the dumbest T-shirts possible. ALSO ALSO, while we understand that just about college football team has at least one crazy fan message board (except Ohio State of course, whose fans are the epitome of restraint, intelligence and class), Penn State's BWI is, in my estimation, the single craziest fan board on the entire internet. It makes the Paul Finebaum Show sound like C-SPAN. JUST THE WORST.

Yes, even Penn State has famous grads/backers who suck

The list isn't as juicy as Northwestern's, or even Iowa's, but there are a few. Consider:

* Richard T. James, inventor of the WORST TOY IN THE WORLD, the Slinky. The Slinky only exists as the crappiest toy you can get from the Dentist Office Toy Chest, and it becomes tangled and broken after roughly .7 uses. It is a waste of plastic, metal, and engineering talent. SLINKY, YOU SUCK.

* Robert E. Witt, president of the University of Alabama. In a way, that makes him responsible for the SEC's inglorious reign of terror, and PAAAAAWWWWLL

* Rick Santorum. There are a lot of horribly annoying politicians that have burst on the scene over the last decade or so. There are few who are more worthy of scorn than the man I like to affectionately call The Poopsmith.

* John Ziegler. Paranoid "documentary" maker, shit-stirrer, and one of the worst follows on Twitter. He's probably shouting BENGHAZI right now along with JOE PA WAS FRAMED!

* Ki-Jana Carter, washed up has-been running back. I owned approximately 310 Ki-Janna Carter rookie football cards as a little kid. If Carter hadn't sucked in the NFL, I'd be a rich man right now. Also personified the horrible 1990s for the Bengals.

* Courtney Brown. Don't worry, Cleveland isn't left out from the sorrows of taking a Penn State player highly in the first round, only to choke back the bitter tears of disappointment later.

* Matt Millen. Terrible broadcaster, worse adjudicator of wide receiver talent.

* Bruce Banner, aka "The Hulk" apparently went there. THE HULK WAS THE STUPIDEST AVENGER. YES, EVEN MORE THAN HAWKEYE.

In conclusion, screw Penn State. GO BUCKEYES.