Why you should hate Purdue

You'll be forgiven if you feel the urge to emotionally check out a little bit this week. The general slate of college football games is poor at best, and Ohio State, fresh off a 63-14 obliteration of the artist formally known as Penn State, is lining up against a 1-6 squad that hasn't beaten an FBS team this year, and is trotting out a true freshman at quarterback. It should be a beatdown, one where a 31-point spread could conceivably be covered shortly after halftime.

But this isn't some early September noon game against some directional Michigan pasty. This is a Big Ten Football game against a particularly hateable opponent...one that, you might have heard, has historically caused Ohio State some problems. And this week, you need to hate them.

LET'S GET INTO WHY YOU NEED TO HATE PURDUE

Oh man, West Lafayette is the worst town in the Big Ten

Let me preface this by saying that I haven't personally visited every town in the Big Ten yet. I haven't been to State College, a place many people were eager to tell me sucks, and I haven't been to East Lansing, so it's technically possible that those places might take the cake. I have, however, spent a fair amount of time in West Lafayette, and in west/central Indiana (I used to live in Kokomo and traveled all around the region for work), and I can assure you, the place is terrible.

Metropolitan area devoid of meaningful culture? Check. A city where the only real nature or natural beauty is something called "Celery Bog Park"? Check. Located in the middle of nowhere? Sure. I'm not sure if it's a dog food factory, or some water treatment plant, or what, but West Lafayette also literally smells bad. From Logansport to Delphi, to Kokomo to Frankfort and beyond, this entire region is a wasteland of mediocrity and meth, where the Olive Garden is a legitimate Italian dinner, and where Applebees really is the neighborhood hangout.

The only redeeming factor is West Lafayette is one of the only places in the north where I've managed to buy Cheerwine, but it doesn't make up for the resounding mediocrity and despair around town, especially considering the Big Ten has so many great college towns, like Iowa City, Madison, Ann Arbor, and of course, Columbus.

I bought a ticket to this game for 16 dollars.

The #4 team in the country is coming to town, and local demand is so low that a guy in Chicago can swoop in and grab a seat for the price of a nice dinner? Show some pride, Purdue fans.

Purdue fans won't shut the hell up about "Purdue Harbor"

HEY GUYS HEY GUYS HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW THAT PURDUE HAS A HISTORY OF HISTORICALLY PLAYING OHIO STATE TOUGH AND OR UPSETTING THEM? ESPECIALLY AT PURDUE? IT'S TRUE.

Yes, and it's become a more tired sports storyline than "Eli and Payton Manning are brothers!" Yes, Purdue took Ohio State to overtime last season, despite being an athletically inferior squad, and probably should have won. Yes, a bad Purdue team beat Ohio State in 2009, and Purdue beat the Buckeyes in 2011 as well. WATCH OUT BOILERMAKERS COMIN' CHOO CHOOOOOO

You know why Purdue fans won't shut up about this? It's because Purdue has almost no athletic accomplishments of their own,and is forced to rest their entire identify on either winning one interesting game a season, or ALMOST beating somebody. They call themselves SPOILERMAKERS and everything. Purdue is probably the worst athletic department in the entire Big Ten, and if beating OSU five times since 2000 is your greatest accomplishment (outside of that ONE Drew Brees season)...then I humbly submit you need more accomplishments.

Also, the lifetime OSU/Purdue series? The Buckeyes lead 39-14-2, giving Purdue a woeful .273 winning percentage. Don't come up here with that WE OWN OHIO STATE PURDUE HARBOR LOL garbage. Historically, this is still a Globetrotters/Generals arrangement.

If a Purdue fan gives you crap about Purdue Harbor, just play this clip for them.

Purdue gives themselves a trophy for beating Indiana

Listen, you want to talk about the Wimpification of America, where achievement and REAL SUCCESS is dumbed down because everybody needs some shiny GOOD JOB sticker for just showing up? Look at Purdue. They give themselves a trophy just for beating Indiana football, a task that would be regarded as the absolute bare minimum for any functioning college football program (whoops, sorry Penn State). Purdue is making the youth of today soft, and probably contributing to our unemployment crisis. Buck up Purdue, beating Indiana is no prize. If you CAN'T beat Indiana, you should be sent off to the glue factory.

CHOO CHOO BOILER UP makes ears bleed

Did you know that the US Army chants BOILER UP on repeat to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to get them to talk, in violation of at least seven different articles of the Geneva Convention? It's true. I'd rather listen to Boomer Sooner on repeat for a decade than subject myself to that stupid train and BOILER UP for 5 minutes.

Speaking of Boiler Up...NEVER FORGET. Hey Purdue, BYU called, and they think your pump up video is tragically lame.

Really, just what is Purdue good for?

Their football team has existed mostly without great fanfare, and Purdue basketball has been more well known for being such an injury den that even the AIRBHG is shocked. Purdue is also one of only two public Big Ten universities to NOT be considered a Public Ivy (Nebraska is the other). Yeah yeah, so you put a bunch of guys into space, but so did we, and what have you done for us lately? Build trains? C'mon Purdue, nobody cares about trains but rust belt hipsters and Joe Biden. Basically, you're Discovery Park and a bunch of sadness.

This is the BIG TEN. If we can't be excellent at football, we need to at least be smug, and you aren't helping. Step your game up Purdue.

In conclusion, Purdue sucks and is well worth your scorn and HATE. GO BUCKS. BEAT PURDUE.