In case you haven't been paying close attention to the latest botanical happenings at OSU, Woody the Corpse Flower is blooming (again). Apparently, this is phenomenal news, at least according to renowned greenhouse coordinator Joan Leonard. She explained what this herbal death machine is all about in horrifying detail to NBC4:
- "Well, it smells like a corpse."
- "It smells like a days-old dead animal..."
- "...WITH MAYBE SOME SAUERKRAUT AND SOME DEAD FISH THROWN IN."
Splendid. Leaving aside the question of whether Woody smells more like a rotting corpse or a slaughtered animal garnished with German cuisine (can't be both, right?), we find some logical inconsistencies in Ms. Leonard's description. Namely: that a plant can reek of a dead body/animal without actually containing one.
Just look at OSU's Woody the Corpse Flower livestream, where you can watch hardy souls savor the beast's putrid aroma (Woody will only bloom three or four times in his 40-year life; this is like witnessing Halley's Comet for disgusting-ass plant enthusiasts) and live out their grodiest Buffalo Bill fantasies. Takeaway no. 1: Woody is f---ing huge! Like, frequents-the-same-buffet-as-Charlie-Weis huge. Takeaway no. 2: Something must be lurkin' inside his massive belly/lair. Chemical weapons, a plague of locusts, Guy Fieri - ANYTHING could be in there. It stands to reason that, due to his name (WOODY THE CORPSE FLOWER), he's harboring a corpse. This isn't rocket science - it's biology.
But whose corpse? We've narrowed down the list of Woody's possible victims below; as always, reader discretion is advised.
BRAXTON MILLER'S BARBER. The man most responsible for the potential downfall of the 2013 Ohio State Buckeyes is not Devin Gardner, Nick Saban, The Ghost of Jim Bollman, or Braxton Miller's Shady Car Dealer. It's Braxton Miller's barber, as we've covered here before, a.k.a. the dude who advised him to bleach his hair blonde. This man is a monster, and deserves corporal punishment by corpse flower.
BRET BIELEMA. They have a history, Woody the Corpse Flower and Bret. It all started in 2010, when Wisconsin upset a not-particularly-good #1-ranked OSU team in Camp Randall. Though the public wasn't yet aware, Jim Tressel knew this would be his last season on the job - a highly-trained palm reader already told him this in a Pensacola, FL bar, where Tressel was unwinding from a day on the recruiting trail. After the loss, a despondent JT figured, What the hell? I won't be here next year; might as well unleash Woody on Bret. Unfortunately, as we all know thanks to legendary greenhouse coordinator Joan Leonard (shoutout to Joan and her brutally descriptive stylings!), Woody rarely blooms. Most of the time he just sits lifelessly in the corner, not smelling like a piece of shit. So JT had to wait, for what seemed like multiple eternities, until Woody was ready to release his nostril-obliterating fumes on Bielema. Bielema caught wind of the plan somehow, hence his move to Arkansas, but he severely underestimated the corpse flower's prodigious wingspan. Reaching Fayetteville was no problem for Woody, who comes equipped with six tons of devil's snare. The upside for Bielema is that he'll probably enjoy the overall experience if Woody does indeed smell like sauerkraut.
PURDUE PETE. Purdue Pete has been a pain in OSU's ass recently, performing disproportionately well against the Buckeyes for a team with Robert Marve on its roster. As such, it's conceivable that Gene Smith saw fit to rectify this issue through mascot destruction. Abducting Pete wouldn't have been a very difficult task; he works the graveyard shift at an Indiana train station where the only nighttime riders are runaways, intoxicated, or Rudy Ruetigger. Post-abduction, Woody likely began an extended, aggressive exorcism on Pete, which he may still be carrying out now.
MARK MAY. We're obligated to put him on the list, but this feels too obvious.
JOE PATERNO. On Tuesday, Outside the Lines host Bob Ley tweeted this tip he received from an outside-the-box thinker named Doug:
I'm used to strange mail, but this one is this year's leader in the clubhouse twitpic.com/cqhc6v— Bob Ley (@BobLeyESPN) May 14, 2013
While most folks might scoff at Doug's theory, it's actually quite legitimate. The part Doug got wrong was about Paterno's location. JoePa is not, as "MANY [FELLOW TIN FOIL HAT WEARERS] ARE REALLY PONDERING," "IN THE HEART OF NITTANY LION COUNTRY." He is trapped inside Woody, complying with the NCAA's creative sanctions levied last July. Since Paterno died last January, this measure went largely unnoticed by the MSM, but the logistics of death are no match for Woody the Corpse Flower. He will get you, in this life or the next.
CHARLIE BAUMAN. Check that: Woody the Corpse Flower will get you, in this life and the next. God forgives, Woody doesn't.