Ohio State recruiting: RAEKWON GOT BACK

Never one to shy away from new and creepy recruiting methods, Urban Meyer – clearly inspired by Stan from last week's Mad Men – has taken to praising a potential future player's rear end. The ass in question belongs to five-star linebacker Raekwon McMillan, and Meyer has already nicknamed it "Bubble" (no, seriously) and likened it to three of the greatest asses he's ever had the privilege to coach (Tim Tebow's, Brandon Spikes's, and Percy Harvin's) (THE POUNCEY BROS ARE IN A CLASS OF THEIR OWN). In a blog entry, McMillan writes that "[Meyer] says all great athletes have huge butts and great strength bases there." Thankfully, Meyer coaches football and not women's volleyball.

It remains to be seen whether or not Ohio State wins the services of McMillan's prodigious butt. To increase his chances of landing the Georgia native, Meyer has done what any guy in pursuit of an oral commitment would do: he's made a mixtape for McMillan. Land-Grant Holy Land has been given exclusive access to the playlist, along with Meyer's producer commentary. Feel free to add any glaring omissions in the comments!

1. "Baby Got Back" - Sir Mix-A-Lot

Raekwon: It has been a very long day, and I've spent all of it curating this playlist for you. Doesn't that mean more than a paltry Photoshop? Anyway, we're starting with Sir Mix-A-Lot's ass-num opus because I am up front about my intentions, and my intentions are to channel your thickness into four Heismans. The ‘90s, man. You just had to be there.

2. "Birthday Song" - 2 Chainz feat. Kanye West

In the hook, Mr. Chainz remarks that all he wants for his birthday "is a big booty ho." Incidentally, all I want for signing day is a big booty linebacker. Mr. Chainz and I are more alike than you think.

3. "Jam (Turn it Up)" - Kim Kardashian

Here's a practice analogy to help you prepare for the SAT.

Me : 2 Chainz :: You : ___

A. Kim Kardashian

B. Brain Urlacher

C. Ray Lewis

D. Dick Butkus

The answer is Kim Kardashian, and I will prove it to you with a comprehensive timeline of her life.

1980-2006: [nothing].

2007-present: A video is released in which Ms. Kardashian's butt is displayed prominently, catapulting her to wealth and fame.

Similarly, I imagine nothing of note happened in your life until your ass-heavy junior highlight video hit the interwebz, at which point scholarship offers (and heartwarming mixtapes) started pouring in. Are you sure Kris Jenner isn't your mom?

4. "Pop That" - French Montana feat. Rick Ross, Drake, and Lil Wayne

I do not know who French Montana is, but he sounds like he'd be an excellent recruiter. I've come to this conclusion based on the one thing I do know about Mr. Montana, which is that he has a very sophisticated taste in rear ends, as evidenced by this song. Whatchu twerkin with?

5. "Bootylicious" - Destiny's Child

There are many parallels between Destiny's Child and every elite linebacking corps in football history, namely two members with fine asses and one with a transcendent ass. You could be my Beyonce, Raekwon Bubble.

With love,

Urban