Ohio State-Michigan 2005 redux

Before we start reviewing the most underrated OSU-Michigan game of all time, an important announcement: Land-Grant Holy Land would like to commission an enterprising reporter to write the oral history of Michigan fatboy punter #17's college career. TSUN's official athletics site tells us his name is James Bloomsburgh, and charitably lists him at 208 lbs. Be advised that we mean oral history quite literally, as in a detailed account of every calorie Mr. Bloomsburgh consumed (orally) during his time at Michigan. If this sounds like a project for you, we suggest memorizing the Jimmy John's menu ASAP.

If P. Diddy actually did join the cast of Downton Abbey, his character would've almost certainly been named Prescott Burgess.

Troy Smith seems to have a weirdly low number of helmet stickers for the offensive linchpin of a No. 7-ranked team. I realize that his week one suspension probably set him back in this category, but still - remember how ugly these Buckeyes looked with Justin Zwick under center?

What else did Troy Smith talk about in this interview? We'll never know for sure, but here are some better than average guesses:

• On how Santonio Holmes hasn't grown up a lot.
• On how he'd rather play under an actual walrus than Jim Bollman.
• On how the lyrics to "Hang on Sloopy" illustrate a larger truth about the Industrial Revolution.
• On how there's absolutely nothing wrong with Ann Arbor being a whore, and that all sleepy college towns would be wise to follow her lead.
• On how the Michigan secondary reminds him of Jessie Spano on caffeine pills.

Can anyone prove that Anthony Gonzalez and Jay Glazer aren't the same person? Theory: Gonzalez evolved into Glazer like a Pokémon, although in this case the apt word would be "devolved", unless we're talking about their respective ability to SHRED in the octagon.

Bobby Carpenter and I went to the same place for physical therapy last year, and one day I worked up the courage to ask him if he had ever witnessed Pacman Jones make it rain in person. (I figured such a spectacle would be high art, akin to watching Picasso paint or Adam Richman eat.) On the surface, this seems like a ridiculous question to ask a total stranger, but Bobby and Pacman both played for the Cowboys in 2008 - the prime of Pacman's legendary rainmaking career - and I've always assumed that Jerry Jones takes his players to strip clubs under the guise of "teambuilding." (If you really think about it, this explains why Jimmy Johnson had success and Wade Phillips didn't.) Sadly, Bobby just shook his head and continued walking. My thoughts are lame.

Brent Musberger tells us that "a pro scout came to town, took a look at [Michigan's] talent, went to coach Lloyd Carr, and said that [Antonio] Bass was the best-looking athlete he'd seen here since Charles Woodson." Fair enough, anonymous pro scout, but that says a helluva lot more about the players Lloyd Carr recruited than it does about Antonio Bass.

"You wanna change your life?" probes fitness guru Jillian Michaels, "then you need to step up to the X9, from NordicTrack!" If only James Bloomsburgh heard this advice before it was too late...

I feel like all prospective OSU linebackers should be forced to go wild hog hunting with former Buckeye linebacker Anthony Schlegel, their passion for animal rights notwithstanding. It'd be a great way to weed out the pretenders from the contenders!

Well, we won't be seeing this for another couple decades or so.

Ted Ginn with his SECOND muffed punt of the day. When Kyle Williams fumbled twice in the 2012 NFC Championship Game, thereby costing the 49ers a trip to the Super Bowl, a common reaction was, "If only Ted Ginn wasn't hurt, the 49ers would've won!" However, I think San Fran was lucky to have Ginn on the sidelines, lest they fumble their way into oblivion.

Time to play WHERE ARE THEY NOW? MICHIGAN STUDENT BODY EDITION.

Dexter Gonzalez (left) set the Guinness World Record © for most consecutive failed LSATs. After 17 botched attempts, he resigned himself to a life as a park ranger in Gary, Indiana.

Sherman Constantino (center) leads a polygamist cult in the Upper Peninsula. He also still wears braces.

Delilah Desperado (right) greatly enjoys her career as a backup dancer for Susan Boyle. She hopes to eventually break into the meatpacking industry.

According to Brent, Chad Henne "took [2004's] loss personally in Columbus." Oh, man - Chad Henne has an axe to grind, folks. The Buckeyes are DOOMED. Brent also claims that Henne is a "fierce competitor." So was Tiny Tim.

Some trenchant analysis from Gary Danielson here: "A turnover here would be just like a turnover." Henne sneaks through the line for a first down, and we get another "fierce, fierce competitor" commendation from Brent, as well as an obligatory Tom Brady comparison. Every Michigan QB of the 21^st century has been likened to Brady by someone, and yes, that includes John Navarre and Denard Robinson.

Santonio Holmes got an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for this, and it was completely worth it.

There's nothing more hilarious than when an overexcited player runs toward a fumble and starts enthusiastically pointing in his team's direction, as if he has any clue what's going on in the pileup. Needless to say, Nick Patterson was wrong here.

Evidently, all that time in the hyperbaric chamber paid off.

Brent accidentally calls Henne "Brady" here; but as we all know, Michigan fails to mount a Brady-esque comeback, cementing OSU's victory in the most underrated installment of The Game ever. Did you know that Ohio State has a winning record against Michigan in the post-WWII era? Happy Sunday!