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Ohio State football: Michael Bennett's tweets of the week

We compiled our favorite defensive end's best tweets of the week, partially to save you the scrolling time but mostly because felt like it.

By Matt Borcas
Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

There are virtually countless debates to embrace over the 2013 Buckeyes. Braxton Miller or Kenny Guiton? Everett Withers or Luke Fickell? Braxton Miller or Cardale Jones? However, there’s no debating who Ohio State’s best tweeter is: it’s junior defensive end Michael Bennett (@mike63bennett) by a landslide. As such, we present to you the first installment of a potentially recurring feature: MIKE BENNETT’S TWEETS OF THE WEEK, presented by pets.com.

There’s no way around this: Mike Bennett’s roommates are monsters, plain and simple. Devouring the last of a man’s donut holes is cause for eviction, and sampling a mother’s chili before her own son has the opportunity to do so is terribly ruthless, the sort of thing only a despot (or Brady Hoke) might do. The fact that Mike Bennett didn’t assault his roommates on the spot for such crimes is proof of his sainthood.

You could say this calls into question Mike Bennett’s sainthood, but you’d be missing the point. Mike Bennett prevents violent situations before they occur; he’s a true peacemaker – except on Saturday, November 30, when peace is the LAST thing he’ll be making with Devin Gardner.

It’s mere coincidence that Mike Bennett tweeted this around the same time Miley’s scandalous "Wrecking Ball" video dropped, because he was undoubtedly referring to this video:

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Mike Bennett usually spits truth, but like everyone else, he’s prone to occasional bouts of inaccuracy. The following situations definitely cannot be improved by mozzarella sticks.

  • War
  • Having your umbrella stolen by a local thief during a monsoon
  • Coffee
  • FOX ON THE FIELD
  • Sunburns
  • Spleen injuries
  • Staining your favorite pair of jorts
  • Writing an essay about photosynthesis
  • Being unjustly accused of jaywalking

Admittedly, all other situations can, in fact, be at least mildly improved by the presence of mozzarella sticks.

I don’t know why Mike wants to be a teacher when AXE is clearly going to hire him as their creative director once he graduates. This is some Don Draper shit right here.

You might not think much of this tweet, but it’s actually ingenious. If Mike ever fails a DUI Walk and Turn test, he can simply use this as a get-out-of-jail-free card. The logic is irrefutable: If a dude can’t walk in a straight line sober, how could you ever expect him to do so inebriated?

NOTE: We here at LGHL certainly don’t expect Mike to get DUI, but it never hurts to plan ahead!

Discovery Channel should make a show about this – not just crickets crawling around girls’ feet, but Michael Bennett watching and narrating crickets crawl around girls’ feet.

Counterpoint: When people say "Oh you must be hungry," they might just be misidentifying Bennett as fellow Buckeye Chris Carter.

Big_hungry_medium

Awwwwww. No need to feel nervous, Mike. Your followers are like a virtual support group! And hey, if all else fails, just tweet pictures of cute baby animals and you'll be fine. That's how the internet works.

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