In defense of "rip his f***ing head off!"

Let’s establish this up front: I respect the hell out of the human head. Wikipedia tells us that the head comprises several body parts that "aid in various sensory functions," and I have no reason to doubt such a claim. Heck, it gives us something to scratch when we hear Mark May speak, so its value truly cannot be understated. Heads are phenomenal!

That being said…the head is not a necessary component to living a full and healthy life. One could still walk, run, skip, leap, play checkers, feed llamas, tour Bosnia, receive a foot massage, burglarize a delicatessen, hide from a hungry zebra, punt a football, and perform any number of everyday tasks sans cranium. What’s more, one could easily argue that life without a head is far, far superior to life with a head, because no head means lucrative disability checks and oodles of special treatment from the general public. I bet headless folks get to cut in line at Disney World all the time, and that’s just bullshit.

To those who say headlessness eliminates many of life’s routine pleasures, such as eating kielbasa, sniffing glue, or listening to TBDBITL, I respond: Child, please! Modern medicine allows us to breed spare body parts all over the place (NSFW-ish), so a headless individual could conceivably grow a nose on their left pectoral, a mouth in their groin region, and ears on their ankles. Science rules!

I bring this up because of the burgeoning movement to replace the "O-H-I-O rip his f***ing head off" chant, which immediately follows Buckeye kickoffs, with a family-friendly alternative. Just last week, OSU’s Sportsmanship Council sent season ticket holders an email urging them to adopt the repulsively generic "O-H-I-O let’s go Bucks!" Of course, liquored-up college students seldom obey faceless bureaucrats, and the explicit chant was still heard in resounding fashion during Saturday’s 76-0 obliteration of Florida A&M. (In record numbers, too – 11 touchdowns meant a staggering 12 chants!)

Despite the student section’s middle finger to the Sportsmanship Council, the fun police were out in full force again this week, arguing that the chant sullies the university’s otherwise clean-cut reputation. Here’s UWeekly’s Chris Scullin: "…it is a bit shocking to hear the entire chant clearly on a network television broadcast of the game, and that this could potential put a few young parents in an awkward position when their toddler asks ‘What’d they say?’"

Well, Chris, I’d argue that the sooner toddlers get introduced to salty language, the better. And what better way to familiarize oneself with the f-bomb than via Ohio State’s grandest football tradition, the "rip his f***ing head off!" chant?

More disturbingly, a petition has surfaced on iPetitions.com aiming to eradicate the "embarrassing, disrespectful" chant. It has amassed 230 signatures, and whoa, I didn’t realize Brady Hoke had that many groupies.

Tim Jessberger was the marketing director of Block O last year (and in full disclosure, has contributed to LGHL in the past). According to The Lantern, Jessberger received "an outrage of profanity and swearing on Twitter and Facebook from angry students" after attempting to quell the chant.

Serves him right.

Wake up, sheeple. If "rip his f***ing head off!" goes, "Carmen Ohio" and dotting the "I" will be next. Mind you, exactly zero heads have been f***ing ripped off as a result of the chant. And again, scientific advances have basically negated the head’s significance. In 2013, heads are like landlines. If a decapitation were to occur, the battered kick returner’s life would actually improve.

OSU takes on Wisconsin tomorrow night on ABC. The national stage presents a wonderful opportunity for all Buckeye fans – not just students – to defend their tradition with an eardrum-shattering rendition of "rip his f***ing head off!" This is our time to shine; to show the world our indomitable, if profane, spirit.

Make me proud, Buckeye Nation.