Ryan Lochte graces Ohio State with his presence; offers valuable insights

OUAB is, for the uninitiated, Ohio State's AWARD-WINNING student activities board. If you were to attend one of theirevents totally unaware of the fact that they were an AWARD-WINNING organization, your ignorance would not last long. They bludgeon event-goers to death with this tidbit, lest you question their ability to put on a show. (OUAB invited tepid country outfit The Band Perry to campus to headline the annual Welcome Week Concert, so in my book they're basically unmatched as far as event-planning organizations go.)

Anyway, OUAB shelled out a bunch of cash for some Olympians to come to the Archie Griffin Ballroom last night and share their secrets to success, reflect on competing against the best athletes in the world, and promote living healthy lifestyles. It was actually a unique and interesting event - perhaps even an AWARD-WORTHY one - made great by the insightful panelists: gymnast/Dancing with the Stars contestant Aly Raisman, beach volleyball stud Kerri Walsh Jennings, and...the man...the myth...the legend...Ryan Lochte...JEAH!

The man who gave us this...

And this...

AND THIS...

...was paid to be interviewed/expound on life in front of a crowd of students.

JEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAHjeahJEAH!

I decided this was too tremendous a spectacle to pass up, and acquired a ticket as soon as they became available. Sadly, nobody from the OSU football team saw it this way, as a whopping ZERO coaches or players were in attendance. This was, of course, a disgrace; so much so that it warrants a half-baked Mike Bianchi column at some point in the near future.

But now's not the time to dwell on that. Being the nice guy that I am, I transcribed some of Lochte's most trenchant kernels of wisdom during the event, in hopes that Braxton Miller or Ryan Shazier or Mike Vrabel might come across them and learn something about competition/life/themselves. On to the quotes.

Ryan Lochte's favorite thing about the Olympics: "I swear I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the free McDonald's stand all day."

Cover your ears, Christopher "Big Hungry" Carter.

What he remembers most about his first medal ceremony: "Laughing because Michael Phelps was singing the national anthem like a girl. I was like, ‘You gotta stop, bro.'"

I don't doubt the veracity of this story: Michigan Men tend to be terrible at everything, especially singing.

On what career path he'd take if he wasn't a pro athlete: "If I wasn't a swimmer, I'd probably be playing some other kind of sport. Yeah, definitely."

Similarly, if Mickey Marotti wasn't a strength coach, he'd just spend all day screaming at random people in the gym.

On his strenuous training regimen: "If I take one day off, it takes three days to get back in the groove."

Using this formula, Ray Small needs about 856 days to get back in the grove.

Lochte keeps mentioning how he trains in a "freezing cold pool," so Kerri Walsh asks, "Would it be bad if the pool was hot?" Lochte's response: "Well...I like hot tubs."

For what it's worth, I also like hot tubs. What's more, everyone I respect likes hot tubs. Hot tubs make the world go ‘round, and they facilitate team bonding like nothing else. Urban better step up his game and install more hot tubs in the Woody, like, now.

On what all that hard work is like: "It stinks."

He forgot the part where it causes heart problems, familial distress, and an early retirement, all in a clandestine effort to move to Columbus, Ohio.

On his reality show: "I wanted to bring swimming into peoples' living rooms."

Ryan Lochte wants to cause floods, y'all. (NOTE: I watched two episodes of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and there wasn't a single minute of swimming-related content.

Also, how much better would last year's ESPNU: Ohio State All-Access have been if the goal was "to bring swimming into peoples' living rooms"?

On meeting Carmen Electra: "I got really sweaty."

In other words, he felt like Brady Hoke.

On his future plans: "I'm going to Fashion Week next week."

Bring back some swanky new windbreakers for Urban!

On his craziest fan: "A girl tracked down my weights coach and told him that a hummingbird sent her to be with me. I got more, too, but I can't share."

Hummingbirds, man. If only Braxton went to see Lochte last night, he'd know to stay farrrrrrr away from those freeing hummingbirds. And Chumley's.

Where's a good place to go to watch football and get a drink at OSU

— Ryan Lochte (@ryanlochte) September 6, 2013

Chumleys it is

— Ryan Lochte (@ryanlochte) September 6, 2013