The Academy Awards are the pinnacle of the entertainment industry. It is the culmination of what is considered the best of the best in the film industry during the past calendar year.
These awards...will be the exact opposite of that.
So without further ado, let's look at the 2014 College Basketball Oscars!
Best Supporting Actor
In this category, we celebrate the little things that players do on the floor to make everyone laugh. The nominees are:
Wesley Iwudu, Kansas State for high-fiving a lane with no one there
Winston-Salem and Johnson C. Smith (these are universities, not names), for breaking a basketball court
Broken light at Brayboy pic.twitter.com/O4hSWzeBYL— John Dell (@johndellWSJ) February 20, 2014
I'm sitting 30 feet away from light that is dangling by a wire.I'm here to tell you it's a dangerous thing. It could have fallen during play— John Dell (@johndellWSJ) February 20, 2014
I REPEAT THE CIAA OFFICIALS HAVE DECLARED THIS MATCH-UP AGAINST @WSSU_Athletics TONIGHT A DRAW!!!!— JCSU Athletics (@JCSU_Sports) February 20, 2014
Nnanna Egwu, Illinois, for busting out a broom.
James Young, Kentucky for a blind flinging shot that goes in the wrong hoop
Sean Harris, Utah State for what could only be considered the greatest high top in college basketball history
And the winner is....
While it's difficult to root against a guy fake high-fiving a lane with no one there and for two teams literally breaking a basketball court to the point where a game ends up as a tie, how can it be anyone other than red-headed Stuart Minkus with a flat top? Look at this thing. That might be higher than Iman Shumpert's ever was. Sean Harris.
Best Costume Design
In this category, we will be celebrating achievement in jersey-based attire. The nominees are:
The Miami Hurricanes for rocking The State vs. Radric Davis look.
The Purdue Boilermakers for the tuxedo t-shirt warmups.
Oregon State, New Mexico, Florida State, and Nevada in light blue
Michigan State for the honorary Trinidad James "All Gold Everything" jersey
Central Florida for going full Yankees
And the winner is...
UCF gets extra points for BORTLES!, but there isn't excuse for going full Yankees. You never go full Yankees. This comes down to a Big Ten battle between Michigan State and Purdue. Even though Michigan State has Rich Homie Quan and now apparently Trinidad James on their side, there is no way you can overcome Purdue being formal but being there to party. What an absolutely brilliant idea for warmups. Everyone needs to do this next year. Or at least an entire fan section somewhere. Purdue.
Best Special Effects
For excellence in creation of utterly absurd sequences regarding fans (this category is a stretch, I know). The nominees are:
Tom Izzo and Michigan State for pretending to shoot Izzo out of a cannon
Khem Birch and UNLV fans for KHEM KONG
Rick Pitino, his son and OH MY GOD WHY DOES HE HAVE A CHICKEN SUIT ON?
The "chicken" everyone is noticing sitting next to Rick Pitino is his son, Ryan. BTN says he lost a bet. Unconfirmed. pic.twitter.com/wubxuKBhme— Eric Crawford (@ericcrawford) February 9, 2014
Very, very elderly Wichita State fans drinking energy drinks that would have led to special effects later
Michigan State does something resembling dancing, but we really can't be sure
And the winner is...
This is a pretty stacked category. We can probably throw the Wichita State fans out. If Bruce Dern can't win on Sunday because he's too old, then neither can they. I don't think I can give it to Michigan State's dancing fan either because I have self respect. So we're down to KHEM KONG, Tom Izzo out of a cannon, and the chicken suit -- which is only here by the fate of being entered into the wrong category (this is definitely more of a costume, but Louisville submitted as a special effect. Stupid made up politics). I'm going KHEM KONG. Do you see how big that thing is? That's legitimately terrifying. It could probably knock down the back board if they dropped it. If Izzo had ACTUALLY been the one to do the cannon, I would give it to him. But alas, special effects. KHEM KONG
Best Adapted Screenplay
For the recognition of the worst in mainstream basketball opinion. The nominees are:
Jeff Goodman, ESPN, for...just.../facepalm
Doug Gottlieb for his thoughts on Fred VanVleet
On his radio show, Doug Gottlieb said VanVleet is the weak link for Wichita State's team and not actually that good. Yup, that VanVleet with the 18th best offensive rating in the NCAA per KenPom, a near 3-to-1 assist rate-to-turnover-rate (which is insane), and 41% three point shooting with 84% foul shooting. Top-100 recruit when he came to Wichita in 2012. Mhhmm, weak link for sure there.
Dan Dakich for being Dan Dakich
I don't need to explain this one, right?
Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery for being in a birthing room commercial so bad it no longer has any trace of existence on the internet
No seriously. It was so bad they deleted it. I don't care if this has nothing to do with basketball opinion, just read Awful Announcing's recap of the commercial:
Ladies, imagine if you were in labor, and gentlemen, imagine you were squeezing her hand as she was in the process of giving birth to her child. Now, imagine that the whole process of child birth was broadcast by...Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery. Sounds a bit terrifying, right? Of course, Fox has you covered with this new commercial, featuring Gus's trademark "ohhhhhhhhhhh!" followed up with him screaming, "rise and fire", smashing the desk, and having the baby shoot out of the woman into Raft's arms...who proceeds to say that the kid has onions.
Seth Davis for his continual crusade against storming the court because college isn't supposed to be fun
Seriously. Dude. It's college. I know that Utah Valley fans and New Mexico State fans got involved in something of a fight because one of New Mexico State's guys is a moron who chucked a basketball as hard as he could at one of Utah Valley's players. Let's all assume for a second that players will be more mature than that next time. It's not a dangerous situation. It's not awful.
And the "winner" is...
This has to be Goodman. I refuse to believe anyone else's opinion but my own (am I doing this mainstream basketball opinions by blowhards thing right?).
For excelling in the art of "flopping." The nominees are:
Marcus Smart for this flop versus Colorado
Marcus Smart for this flop against Kansas State
Marcus Smart for this flop Kansas
Marcus Smart for this flop against Iowa State
Marcus Smart for this other flop against Iowa State
And the winner is...
Marcus Smart against Colorado? Nah. What about Smart against Kansas State? Meh. Smart against Kansas was good, but look at the second one against Iowa State? It's not even close. It looks like he just got hit by a sniper. But yeah, gotta cut that flopping shit, Marcus.
For brilliance in unrestrained rage and hostility from head coaches. The nominees are:
Barry Hinson, Southern Illinois for discussing his manhood in public
Fran McCaffery, Iowa for bumping a ref
Kevin Ollie, Connecticut for getting a half court sprint in while arguing a foul
Steve Donahue, Boston College for being sniped
Jim Boeheim for going crazy bananas at the end of the Syracuse-Duke game
And the winner is...
This is probably the strongest category of the awards this season. So many legitimate contenders. Let's throw out McCaffery, as he's the most likely person to be back next season. Donahue didn't do anything terribly crazy of note, so he's out too. Ollie's was a really underrated eruption that I feel has gone forgotten, but it happened in that slight lull of the season to where the voters also forgot about it. That leaves us with Hinson versus Boeheim. I'm going with the upset and taking Hinson. The Boeheim eruption by itself wasn't that great, it was all of the absurdity that happened afterwards because of it. Hinson was so beyond ridiculous by himself that it was the performance of a lifetime. Barry Hinson.
For achievement in ridiculous motion picture.
Amir Williams, Ohio State for explaining where Coach Matta has been on him
Random Belmont fan at North Carolina for singing "Wrecking Ball" during a James McAdoo free throw
Tyler Haws, Skyler Halford, and Luke Worthington, BYU for this "inspirational" preseason video
Bradley University for coining the phrase "an expert in Gargoyle linguistics"
Tom Izzo for shilling ladders in the most awesome way possible
(also, as 2014 is the year of Pony, Brian Floyd went ahead and made this slight alteration)
And the big winner is...
Seriously, there's only one contender here. It's Tom to the Izzo, T to the Izzay. I'd love to know the events leading up to that commercial.
Izzo: "Hey guys, what's going on?"
Werner: "We want you to be our spokesperson given that you have a lot of impractical experience with ladders. Can you do that?"
Izzo: "Sure! What do you need me to do?"
Werner: "Well, we just need you to potentially forsake all future recruiting chances by doing some silly things like dancing on top of a ladder and wearing sunglasses indoors."
Izzo: "Err...Molly! How much are they paying me for this?"
(Molly Fletcher, Izzo's agent, whispers something indiscriminately in his ear. Izzo quickly jumps up, practices the quick dance we saw in the video above, and gets back on the phone)
Izzo: "Mr. Werner! You got yourself a god damned deal."
Cheers to you, Tom Izzo. You have won life forever for this brilliant display of dancing skill.
All photos used with permission from USA TODAY Sports Images