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An open letter to Indiana

Time for some Big Ten domination play.

Sorry, Coach, but wearing that jacket is a white collar crime. (Nailed it.)
Sorry, Coach, but wearing that jacket is a white collar crime. (Nailed it.)
Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Indiana,

Hey. What's up? I hear you're 4-0 this season, just like us. Congratulations. You know, I remember the last time you guys were 4-0. Oh wait, no I don't. It was 1990. I was three years old.

Sorry, that was mean. As far as Big Ten schools go, you're not too bad as a whole. Bloomington's a lovely little city, and your campus is nice. You're also the reason I have to hear my dad say he wants to watch Hoosiers just about any time he's picking a movie, though, so we may not get along.

Also, what's a Hoosier? Come on, guys. Buckeyes may not be super intimidating, but at least that's a real thing! If you look up Hoosier on Dictionary.com, do you know what it says? "A native or inhabitant of Indiana." You're the Indiana Indianans! You might as well change your name to the Indiana Residents. At least then we'd know what it meant. The second definition the dictionary gives is "any awkward, unsophisticated person, especially a rustic." Is that what you were going for? If so, the Indiana Hillbillies would work, also.

Look, this is football. We all know that's not your thing; Bobby Knight isn't in the Football Hall of Fame. Come January, we'll talk. Until then, apologies in advance for dashing your hopes at being 5-0 for the first time since the '60s.

Sincerely,

Ohio State