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A guide to not giving a damn for the whole state of Michigan

When it comes to beating the Wolverines, you have to pull out all the stops.

Jamie Sabau/Getty Images

Ohio State playing Michigan is always a big deal. No matter what happens in the rest of the season for either team, you know that the Saturday after Thanksgiving is gonna get ugly. We've got a bit of extra opposition going on this week, though, with the game being in Ann Arbor and Ohio State's loss last week to the Spartans. Add in the fact that it's Jim Harbaugh's first face-off against Urban Meyer, and suddenly you've got yourself a ball game. The Buckeyes need everything we can give 'em this time. Covering up all the Ms and campus and jumping in Mirror Lake won't be enough. Let's look at what else you can do to help out.

1. A state-wide ban on khakis

Much like Superman draws his strength from our yellow sun, Jim Harbaugh grows stronger with every pleat in our pants. Blue jeans might be off the table, too; good thing we have so many golden pants.

2. No Hugh Jackman movies

The Aussie has no direct ties to the Maize and Blue, but he is famous for playing Logan, aka Wolverine, and became a Wolverine backer in the process. While he donned black leather for the movies, the X-Man is most famous for his blue and yellow spandex. Sorry, Hugh. We can watch Pan in December.

3. No American cars

Yes, the auto industry is important. The bailout was big. I get it. I also get that some things are more important than economic growth and prosperity as a nation, and where is GM's headquarters? That's right; it's in Michigan. I know it's going to be hard, but if it helps us win, you can drive a Kia Sorento for a week.

4. Skip the cereal

Did you know that Kellogg's makes Fruit Loops, Corn Flakes, Pop-Tarts, Pringles, and many other delicious snacks? If you were to go into your kitchen right now, you could almost undoubtedly find something Kellogg's. Go on. Look. Did you find something? Good; now throw it in the trash, because that garbage came from Michigan. You'll thank me when we win. (If you found any Morningstar Farms stuff and threw it away, you'll thank me no matter what, because that stuff is gross.)

5. Fast food nation

Now that we've thrown out all your groceries, it's time to eat for Ohio. I ain't talkin' that all-day McDonald's, either. I mean real Ohio staples like Wendy's, Sbarro, and White Castle. The off-season is for diets, folks; right now is the time for winning. Remember, for every Thurmanator challenge you complete, Braxton Miller will definitely maybe do another cool spin move.

6. Ditch the corn

Look, I know how difficult it was to read that sentence. As an American and, more importantly, a Midwestern, I understand how vital corn is. We grow it. We eat it. We love it so much we started making sugar out of it. Do you remember the other name for corn, though? It's maize. As in maize and blue. I know it's Thanksgiving, but you have to skip the corn. Remember to tell the good people at your fast food stops to replace all the high fructose corn syrup with sugar cane or something. They want to beat Michigan, too, so they'll definitely do it no problem. Go hungry this Thursday so that Zeke doesn't have to on Saturday. (So make sure your new foreign car doesn't run on E85 ethanol, otherwise you'll end up pushing your car around like Woody Hayes.)

Jumping in Mirror Lake just won't be enough this year, people. Do your part. Help beat Michigan.