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An open letter to Hawaii

You seem like some really cool islands, so we'd like to apologize in advance.

That's the face of a man who isn't happy about being in the Midwest.
That's the face of a man who isn't happy about being in the Midwest.
Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

Dear University of Hawaii,

Aloha. (Did I use that right?) How are you doing? Probably pretty great; after all, you live in Hawaii. That's supposed to be good, right? Anywho, we're Ohio State, and we just wanted to introduce ourselves real quick before the game, since we've never played before.

I don't know if you were paying attention last season or on Monday night, but, like I said, we're Ohio State, and we're Number 1. I'm not trying to brag or anything. That's just a fact. I mention it because you played the No. 1 team back in 2012, and it didn't go super great for you. USC won that game 49-10. You guys aren't coming off of a great season, either. Sure, you won last week, but you won four games last year. I'm not saying you can't do great things this year; I just don't think it's going to be against us.

So maybe football's not your thing. Who cares? You guys dress pretty sharp. Plus, you get to chill in Hawaii all year, where the average low is 66.3ºF. Do you know what we call 66ºF in Ohio? Nothing, because it's either 85ºF or snowing here, and that's just in the spring.

We're sorry for how many points we're probably going to score and for how many you won't. Sorry Joey Bosa gets to release all his pent-up off-season anger on you instead of on Virginia Tech. Sorry Braxton Miller is actually an amazing wide receiver, and sorry for any and all video game moves he may use on you. (Let's just hope he's been playing Madden this week and not, say, Mega Man.)

On the bright side, think how easy UC Davis will look next week compared to this game!

Aloha (Did I use that right?),

Ohio State