Dear Western Michigan,
I'm going to be honest with you right now, Broncos. You're not catching us at a great time. Sure, it could be worse, but we were hoping it'd be better. I know we're 3-0, but that 3 just isn't quite as shiny and polished as we were hoping it'd be.
I'd say I'm sorry for the win we're most likely going to get today. I'd say I'm sorry that you have to be another crash test dummy against which we slam our tank of a team while we try to find our groove. I'd say I'm sorry for the fact that your head coach looks like scummy defense attorney who has forgotten what the "casual attire" means.
But you know what? I'm not sorry. I was sorry last week for NIU, and I'll be sorry next week for the Hoosiers, but your campus is in Kalamazoo, and we don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan.
You'd think we'd want to save that no-damn-giving for later in the season. After all, we play Michigan State and Michigan every season, and, for those of you who learned geography up north, both of those schools are in the state of Michigan. How do we do it? How can we have so much hate for all three games? No one knows, really. Scientists are baffled. Scholars are befuddled. Even the Pope came all the way to the US just to try to figure it out, and he couldn't. That's right. The Pope.
So, maybe we're going to kick your teeth in today. Maybe we're going to trip and fall and only manage to graze you as we stumble. Either way, you're getting hit, and we don't give a damn.