The holiday season is great for many reasons, but perhaps one of the biggest reasons is the college football lineup that comes with it. Family, friends, food, and bowl games take over our lives for a solid couple of weeks. What could be better than that?
To celebrate this elite time of year, we’ve compared some of the biggest college football names to their respective Christmas movie characters.
Rudolph— Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
The description for this movie on IMDb is “a misfit reindeer and his friends look for a place that will accept them.” And isn’t that all Dabo Swinney wants? For the playoff committee to finally accept his football team for who they are? Undefeated playoff contenders who deserve the No. 1 spot because they blew out *checks notes* Boston College and Wake Forest?
Michigan and Ohio State
Harry & Marv and Kevin McAllister— Home Alone
Michigan is persistent, if nothing else. They never stop trying to get inside the big empty mansion, with hopes of stealing playoff hopes and gold pants, despite the pesky kid inside beating the snot out of them after every attempt.
They actually found their way inside once, but that just resulted in them getting put away for, let’s see... the next 2,939 days and counting.
Ebenezer Scrooge— A Christmas Carol
All Scrooge and Saban want outta life is to go to work, their assistants to show up on time, a good nights’ sleep, and for everyone to stop bugging them. They’re both good at what they do, and they’re not about to let holiday shenanigans interfere with that. Christmas trees? Messy. Cookies? Too much sugar. Parties? Why waste my time? Presents? We don’t deserve presents. We’re going to the Citrus Bowl.
The Abominable Snowmonster of the North, aka Bumble— Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Literally terrifying, especially if you’re a little kid. Which is what all opposing offenses look like up against Young. But, when you strip back all of the freaky athleticism and back-breaking strength, he’s really just a big, cuddly sweetheart... unless you’re an opposing quarterback.
Scott Calvin— The Santa Clause
You know the story: Scott Calvin hears a noise outside, he goes to investigate, Santa falls off the roof and dies, Scott puts the suit on, he is now Santa.
Now, believe what you want about how Urban Meyer’s “retirement” went down. But I firmly believe that it was a little unexpected for everyone involved, including Ryan Day. Nonetheless, Day suited up and, like Santa, had a whole nation of fans to tend to, and letting them down was simply not an option.
The difference here is that Scott did not want to be Santa. He was in denial, and he tried to get out of it multiple times. Obviously that was not the case with Day, but the reaction of the outside world was about the same: little faith, concerned, wanting the old Santa back.
Scott, of course, overcame his obstacles and convinced those who doubted him, with the help of his son, Charlie. And the same can be said about Day, with a little help from his quarterback, Justin Fields.
Charlie Brown — A Charlie Brown Christmas
Charlie Brown presenting his Christmas tree to his friends is kind of how Penn State finishes every season. Everyone believes in them, James Franklin gets a bunch of hype, they almost beat Ohio State, and there’s talk of them finally making it to the playoff.
But, then they end up presenting to the playoff committee a flimsy two+ loss record due to the fact that they attempted a 21-yard field-goal attempt when they were down by 14. Neither that, or Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree are elite.
Burgermeister Meisterburger- Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town
Do I think Ed Orgeron would outlaw toys and arrest Santa Claus and his pet penguin for making children happy? No. But don’t you think Orgeron could play Burgermeister in a remake?
Kris Kringle— Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
Someone, perhaps the Georgia Bulldogs, didn’t want baby Kris Kringle, so they gave him up. He ultimately landed at the doorstep of the Kringle elves, who took him in and groomed him into one of the best quarterb—err... toymakers in the country. He eventually went on to take down Burgermeister Meisterburger (See above for the casual foreshadowing).
Former Florida Atlantic University and newly hired Ole Miss head coach Lane Kiffin was kind of... adopted into the college football coaching world, similarly to how Buddy the Elf was adopted by one of Santa’s elves. If Kiffin’s father wasn’t the famed NFL defensive genius Monte Kiffin, it’s safe to assume that he would have been exiled from the NCAA by now.
You can compare the early part of Kiffin’s coaching career to when Buddy moves in and goes to work with his real dad — pure chaos, but also super hilarious.
For example, Kiffin was part of a “Deflategate” scandal as head coach at USC. He had players switch uniforms during games. He tried to claim Urban Meyer committed a recruiting violation while he himself was committing NCAA violations. He had a kicker attempt a 76-yard field goal.
For his part, Buddy cut down a tree in the middle of a park, jeopardized his dad’s business deals, walked into female showers, ate syrup on spaghetti. Tomato, “tomahto.”
At the end of the movie, however, Buddy saves Christmas and finally finds his place in the world. The same can be said for Kiffin, who brought FAU back to life and then landed a head coaching job at a program that couldn’t suit him better.
All while still being their unfiltered, entertaining selves.
The Grinch— Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch
The Grinch was hellbent on making sure all the Whos down in Whoville didn’t wake up to any presents, ribbons, wrappings, snoof and fuzzles, and tringlers and trappings on Christmas morning.
Replace presents, ribbons, wrappings, etc. with endorsements and the money that they richly deserve, and the Whos with student-athletes, and the Grinch and NCAA are a perfect match.
Someone should double check that the association’s shoes aren’t too tight and that their heads are screwed on just right. You’re a mean one, NCAA, and I wouldn’t touch you with a... 39-and-a-half-foot pole!
Cousin Eddie— National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Do I even need to explain this one?
Have a good one? Leave it in the comments!