Thanks for the gifts last year!
My mom always told me to appreciate every gift that I get and never to complain that I didn’t get what I wanted. So, I’m not complaining. But this time I wanted to put my wishes in writing because last year I think that there were a couple of misunderstandings. Again, though, I’m not complaining.
Remember last year when I sat on your lap and whispered to you what I wanted? I was the older, bigger guy, wearing an Ohio State ball cap and a black Ohio State jacket. There were only two things that I wanted – one for me and one for the football team that I coach. While I’m not complaining about last year, you did get them both wrong. We’re all human. Well, I guess that you’re human.
After we lost the last regular season game, I wanted to drown my sorrows and asked for some first-rate, dark beer. Maybe you didn’t hear me because I whispered and there was a lot of noise at the mall with the little kids screaming, crying. Don’t get me wrong. I like the beard. Everybody says that it looks good, so I kept it.
As for the team, I requested that the Buckeyes become a true superpower. I take it that you thought that I wanted my own superpowers and gave me the glasses. The x-ray vision shades were very cool, to be sure, and I got a lot of use out of them. But when I saw that the coach for that other team went commando under those baggy khakis, I had had enough. I don’t know what ever happened to the glasses. I hope that some teenager didn’t pick them up. So, no complaints, but I want to make sure that we’re on the same page this year.
All I want for Christmas 2022
First of all, I know that you’re a really busy guy. So, there’s no need to rush to get me my presents before Christmas Day, or even by Christmas Day. I just need them for New Year’s Eve night. Please make sure that they arrive by 8:00 pm (Eastern), or maybe by ten after. There’s probably no chimney in that Mercedes-Benz dome place, but you’ll figure it out.
Book of disguises
One Christmas when I was a kid, maybe eight or nine, you gave me a junior detective kit. Do you remember? Anyway, it had this nifty little book, a guide to simple disguises. You know, everyday stuff around the house that can change your appearance so that no one knows who you are. That’s important. The disguise has to work. I’ve looked all around for that book, and I guess that I lost it over the years. Please, I’d like a new one.
I’ll let you in on my plan. I could really use Chase Young on New Year’s Eve, and I think that he’ll be healthy by then. That Bennett guy is pretty slippery, but nobody gets away from Chase. But you know Chase. He’s really tall and, with that hair, he’s kind of distinctive looking. If we could change his appearance and give him a real lineman’s number – something in the 90s, maybe – we could get him in the game. Not every play. I’m not greedy. Just the ones where Bennett has to pass. Really, not more than a half dozen (or 20) plays. I’m thinking that he’d make a difference.
We get to use our own ball on offense (when we have the ball). I want a new ball for us that always throws true and on target. One that is sticky as hell and can be caught easily but never dropped. When your elves are making this ball, they’ve got to make sure that these magical features only appear after the officials have set the ball for play.
If magic balls really are presents that you keep in your bag, please deliver one to Kirby Smart too. His ball should say “Georgia Bulldawgs.” (Make sure that you spell it that way. That’s the way that The Team Down South likes it. I don’t know why.) It should be weighted at one end so that it goes all floppy when a quarterback tries to pass. Also – it should be self-lubricating. It’s about time that we had some turnovers in our favor.
A new play, one that always works
I don’t know if you follow college football. Maybe you’re more of a pro fan or probably hockey, given where you live. If you’ve seen my Buckeyes play this year, you know that we sometimes (well, OK, often) have trouble converting on the short third-down plays. You know: third and two, third and one. Stuff like that. The running back into the middle of the line doesn’t work like it should.
What I want for Christmas (really New Year’s Eve) is something that nobody has seen before, a play that’s guaranteed to work. We need it to work whenever we call it. And it should work on fourth and short too.
While you’re at it, we could also use a sure-fire call for third and long and a few more for any two-point conversions we might need to try (especially if the game goes into OT). I don’t know if you have a set limit on how many presents everybody gets, but I’m thinking that a whole playbook is out of the question. Is it?
People can have a “gift of imagination,” can’t they? Poets? Musicians? Anyway, I’d like that gift for myself. I’d put it to use at halftime. I could imagine what the Bulldogs are going to do, on both offense and defense, and imagine various countermeasures. I’d win the halftime adjustment battle (for a change) and win the game.
Obviously, winning the game is the objective here. That one is on my prayer list, going to a different recipient.
The favor of a reply is always appreciated (again, my mom talking). If you could let me know that these small requests are on their way to Atlanta (that’s where I’ll be), then I could plan accordingly. And I could probably arrange to comp you and Mrs. C to some decent tickets.
Thanks very much