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You’re Nuts: What would a “Burn Book” about Big Ten football coaches look like?

Celebrities Visit Broadway - May 26, 2018 Photo by Bruce Glikas/Bruce Glikas/FilmMagic

Usually in May there’s not much to talk about in college football. Typically the NBA & NHL Playoffs take center stage, while the MLB season starts to find its stride. By this time of the year schools have held their spring games, so they have an idea of what will be waiting for them when their teams reconvene for preseason practices.

2022 is showing it is going to play by its own rules. Last week out of nowhere, Alabama head coach Nick Saban took some shots at Texas A&M and Jimbo Fisher, saying the Aggies were paying players. Fisher called a press conference the next day where he went scorched earth on Saban, calling him a narcissist, and saying that somebody should slap Saban.

In reality, this is all a whole bunch of nothing. We know college football players are getting paid, and we don’t really care all that much about it. The players should be getting paid. What makes this all so funny is Saban and Fisher are acting like a bunch of school girls with how they are threatening to reveal secrets about the other one. It’s almost like Saban, Lane Kiffin, and Kirby Smart are “The Plastics” from Mean Girls since they all coached under Saban, while Jimbo Fisher is the new coach that is causing quite a stir.

Not exactly the perfect analogy, but work with us here.

So what if we channeled some of that Mean Girls energy and had a Big Ten “Burn Book”. We’re not going to stoop quite as low as some of the entries that were seen in the movie, which were filled with hate. We are just going to have a little fun at the expense of each Big Ten coach. The conference will be split, with Brett getting the Big Ten East, while Meredith gets the Big Ten West.

Today’s question: What would a “burn book” of Big Ten coaches look like?

We’d love to hear your choices. Either respond to us on Twitter at @Landgrant33 or leave your choice in the comments.

Brett’s side: Big Ten East coaches

Ryan Day

The Ohio State head coach just can’t hack it against Michigan anymore. The last time the Buckeyes beat Michigan was on Nov. 30 in the 2019 season. It is completely unacceptable that Day has lost the only game Ohio State has played against the Wolverines since. The last coach to go more than two calendar years without a win against TTUN was John Cooper, who was canned at the end of the 2000 season. Buckeye fans can’t deal with this incompetence much longer.

Jim Harbaugh

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin with this freak. Everything Harbaugh does makes you want to cringe. The Michigan head coach loves a big glass of milk with his steak, doesn’t take his cleats off when he visits the home of a recruit, but also wants to have sleepovers while visiting recruits. Also, he eats his own boogers. We could go on, but by the end of it we would have a book that rivaled the length of War and Peace.

James Franklin

The Penn State coach seems like one of those guys that would stab his own mother in the back to get ahead. There have been allegations at both Vanderbilt and Penn State where Franklin wasn’t forthcoming with information, or told his players not to talk to the police about an incident. Even though Franklin was never charged with any crimes for tampering or obstruction of justice, these aren’t exactly things you see often from head coaches, so multiple instances within a decade raises some flags.

Mel Tucker

You remember back in the mid-90s when Brady Anderson, who hadn’t hit more than 21 homers in a season, crushed 50 bombs in 1996? We all figured steroids is how Anderson all of the sudden started mashing taters. Mel Tucker has to be doing something in East Lansing, since after posting losing records at Colorado and in his first year with the Spartans, along with when he was an interim head coach in Jacksonville, all of the sudden Tucker goes 11-2 and scores a $95 million dollar extension. It’ll all start to make more sense when Michigan State never sniffs double-digit wins under Tucker ever again.

Tom Allen

I’ll be honest that I’m not the most knowledgable about religion. I do know there’s something about protecting your brother, or being your brother’s keeper, and by brother it means fellow man. So if Tom Allen calls himself a Christian, then why did he take a $200,000 pay cut to help pay for the firing of offensive coordinator Nick Sheridan? Seems a little hypocritical to me.

Mike Locksley

Who does Mike Locksley have compromising pictures of? That’s the only way to explain head coaching career. Locksley starts off at New Mexico by going 2-26 before getting fired four games into his third season. Then Locksley goes 5-12 in his first two years at Maryland before going 7-6 in 2021 with none of their wins coming against teams that finished above .500. Maryland was so impressed they gave Locksley a $26 million dollar extension. Locksley is like the average looking girl who hangs out with a bunch of really unattractive girls just so she can make herself look better.

Greg Schiano

I’ll be honest, these days the Schianoman just blends in with the scenery. I completely forget that Schiano was even at Rutgers, since I thought that Nunzio guy was still the head coach. Sorry Greg, you’re only fit to be the head coach at a bottom-tier Big Ten school. The NFL definitely isn’t gonna call you against after half of Tampa Bay’s team got MRSA under your watch.

Meredith’s side: Big Ten West coaches

Mean Girls is one of my favorite all-time movies and I’m so delighted to build our own Burn Book. True to the spirit of the Plastics, I’m sticking with the one-liner approach.

Brett Bielema

Calf tattoos were never cool, but they are especially silly when they’re of a school you’re not coaching at but do happen to play every year.

Kirk Ferentz

I’ve lost years of my life sitting through all the unnecessary timeouts he’s taken.

P.J. Fleck

Why doesn’t he just “row the boat” off into the 1,000 lakes and leave us alone.

Scott Frost

If Ohio State doesn’t beat the Huskers, Wendy’s will.

Pat Fitzgerald

If coaching the Bears was my next-best option, I, too, would stay in Evanston.

Jeff Brohm

Enough with your IU rivalry. At the end of the day you’re both still stuck living in Indiana.

Paul Chryst

He looks like less of a badger than Brett Bielema.

BONUS: Tracy Clay