Imagining the Ohio State football players with the best NIL food product deals

On Thursday, I saw this tweet about the Bijan Robinson mustard that is being sold, and immediately my diseased brain started to think about how Ohio State football players could capitalize on NIL deals and become the inspiration for food products. Off the top of my head I came up with a few, so I figured I might as well dive a little deeper into this.

Those that know me can attest to my love of puns. Since puns are the lowest form of humor, it probably makes sense why I love them so much. Some people may love coming up with intricate jokes where you need a road map to find the punchline. Not me! I’m all about doing the bare minimum to get a few laughs.

What I did for this article was take a look at the current Ohio State roster to see if there were any names that could be used as branding for a food product. Some of these might make no sense or be a huge stretch, but work with me here since it’s less than two weeks until the season starts and I’ve pretty much exhausted any offseason topics. I also went back to the all-time rosters to see if there were any players from the past that could get in on the fun.

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Current Buckeyes

Chop Seasoning

No, we aren’t talking about Urban Meyer’s Chop House here. Last year Miyan Williams stated that his nickname was not “Meatball,” but instead was “Chop.” What better way to celebrate that name than by using some Chop seasoning on the grilled meats that will be served at Ohio State tailgates and parties around the state?

As someone that is always checking out the spices and seasoning sections at grocery stores for some new bold flavors to try out, I know that I certainly would add Chop seasoning to the grilling rotation.

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Cade’s Stover-Top Stuffing

This would have worked so much better if Stover was still at linebacker, that way he could have really capitalized since his goal would have been to stuff opposing offenses. I guess it could still kind of work since at tight end he will be asked to stuff the attempts of opposing defenses to get into Ohio State’s backfield. Any commercials will be placed into heavier rotation in November, since not only do we have Thanksgiving, but also The Game a couple of days later.

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Mircogreens

While microgreens are small, there is nothing little about what Jesse Mirco does when his number is called. Apparently, microgreens are full of nutrients, so they pack a lot into a little package. Microgreens feel like a thing that you don’t really need to use that often but when you do, they are beneficial to you. The same could be said about punting. Nobody wants to punt, so when you do you better make sure that it has a purpose. With over half his punts going inside the 20 last year, Jesse Mirco’s punts definitely have a purpose.

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Cage-Free Eggs

There’s nothing quite like seeing a big defensive lineman score. We saw some of that magic last year when Jerron Cage returned a fumble for a touchdown against Penn State. The last few steps into the end zone were so delicate, almost like Cage was walking on eggshells.

Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK

Another reason I thought of “Cage-Free Eggs” is because how fun would it be for Cage just to start wearing overalls and a cowboy hat like Vince Wilfork did? There’s no connection between Cage and Wilfork, so this is a huge stretch. Somehow I think it works, though.

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Hinzman’s Mayo

When I saw Carson Hinzman’s name, the first thought that came to my mind was Hellman’s mayo. I’m sure an offensive lineman doesn’t want to be tied to a jar of mayo when it comes to a product being created for them, but as I said earlier, my brain is broken. Plus, since Hinzman is from Wisconsin, and the Badgers broke the Duke’s Mayo Bowl trophy a couple of years ago, any advertising can show Hinzman hoisting a trophy when the Buckeyes win their next one and claim how Hinzman’s is superior to Duke’s in taste and strength.

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Seibert’s Sherbet

Aside from similar-sounding names, there’s not a lot of good reasoning for why I put kicker Jake Seibert and sherbet together. Just as long as he cuts into Jeni’s profits, that’s all I care about. Honestly though, who better to kick Jeni and her overrated products to the curb than an actual kicker? If anyone didn’t want to fight me up to this point in the article, I’m sure they do now!

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Cameron’s Kittle Corn

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t aware there was a player on the roster named Cameron Kittle until I took a gander at the roster a couple of days ago. Obviously, my first thought went from kettle corn to Kittle corn. The walk-on hasn’t made it onto the field in a game for Ohio State yet, so it’s hard to imagine any better advertising than a camera panning to him on the sidelines while he’s holding a big bag of Kittle corn!

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Past Buckeyes

Pacecake Mix

This one is way too easy. Since the pancake block became part of football terminology because of Orlando Pace, he deserves to have his own pancake mix. The tagline could even be something like “It’s a Hall of Fame pancake mix” since Pace is a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

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Nuge’s Nuggets

How Roosters, Buffalo Wild Wings, or any other chicken chain in Columbus didn’t try to sell some chicken nuggets and name them either Nuge’s Nuggets or Chicken Nugents is beyond me. Since Mike Nugent’s number was 85 and things were a little cheaper 20 years ago, they could have even sold a four-piece or five-piece for .85 cents. Had NIL been a thing back then, Ohio State could have even done a promotion with a fast-food restaurant like Wendy’s, where if Mike Nugent kicked two or more field goals in a game, the next day you got a free five-piece.

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Mr. Fields’ Cookies

Mrs. Fields has to be thankful that NIL wasn’t a thing a few years ago or she might have had to give up the cookie crown. Even though Justin Fields was only in Columbus for two years, he was the best quarterback to take the field for the Buckeyes. With how much Ohio State fans loved watching Fields play quarterback, you just know it would be hard to keep Mr. Fields’ Cookies on the shelf. If I had to come up with the recipe, the cookies would have Buckeye candies in the middle.

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Beanie’s Beansies

It was a joy to watch Chris “Beanie” Wells run the football during his time at Ohio State. I remember the game against Michigan where it felt like he ran the football 240 times in a 14-3 win over the Wolverines. That day was pretty much a postcard for Big Ten football at the time. Gray skies, chilly temperatures, tons of running. That type of day is perfect with a cup of hot coffee to help warm up a bit.

Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Now, what if Beanie Wells sold coffee? He could sell Beanie’s Beansies at Beanie’s Beanery. Even better if he had 28 flavors of coffee that he sold there. I’m sure if this ever became a real thing, any employees of a Beanie Wells coffeehouse would hunt me down and savagely beat me up because it was my idea to have so many types of coffee on the menu. It would be worth it, though.