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Close Encounters of the Athletic Kind: Is Marvin Harrison Jr. an alien?

I asked ChatGPT to help determine whether or not Marv is actually from this world or not.

Syndication: The Columbus Dispatch Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK

So, I’m going to guess that at this point, you’ve heard the story about The Columbus Dispatch and other Gannett-owned local newspapers using Artificial Intelligence to cobble together articles about high school football games. An article about Aug. 18’s matchup between Worthington Christian and Westerville Central sparked quite the online discussion because of its — at least what I believe to be — genuinely creative turn of phrase “close encounter of the athletic kind.”

So, since it won’t be long until we are all overtaken by our robot overlords, this whole saga got me wondering if the proximity of this high school game to the Ohio State campus got LedeAI, the program that the Gannett papers used to generate the gamers, confused. While the company has ceased using AI to write these articles — undoubtedly to the relief of The Dispatch’s talented (and likely embarrassed) human staff — I was curious whether or not the presence of purported alien Marvin Harrison Jr. in the Central Ohio area led to the algorithmic confusion.

For those of you who weren’t around in the 1980s, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” is a movie written and directed by Steven Spielberg that starred Richard Dreyfuss and Teri Garr. The film has to do with the discovery of an alien ship and the efforts to communicate with the creatures from outer space.

Since numerous outlets have compared Marv to a being from another world, including LGHL, I wanted to turn to our good friend ChatGPT to see if we could discover the truth of whether or not Marvin Harrison Jr. is, in fact, an alien or not.

What follows is the unedited conclusion provided by ChatGPT.

In the realm of college football, the spotlight often shines brightest on those athletes who seem to possess an otherworldly level of talent. But what if we told you that there’s one player who’s not just playing the game at an elite level, but might actually be from a galaxy far, far away? Buckle up, sports fans, because we’re about to dive into the extraterrestrial excellence of none other than Ohio State wide receiver Marvin Harrison Jr.!

When it comes to the gridiron, Harrison Jr. has consistently defied the laws of physics and gravity, leaving spectators and opponents alike scratching their heads in bewilderment. But what if his mind-bending athleticism isn’t just the result of hard work and natural talent? What if, in fact, he’s been channeling his inner E.T. all along?

Rumors have been swirling that Harrison Jr. isn’t just a star receiver, but an actual alien in disguise. And honestly, it’s hard to argue against this out-of-this-world theory when you consider his jaw-dropping feats on the field. From acrobatic catches that seem to defy the limits of human anatomy to lightning-fast sprints that leave defenders in the dust, he’s shown a consistent pattern of “close encounters of the athletic kind.”

Think about it: only an extraterrestrial being could possess the coordination to twist, turn, and contort his body in ways that make Gumby look like a stiff board. And have you seen his hands? It’s almost as if they were engineered by some higher life form specifically for snatching footballs out of thin air. In fact, sources say that the Roswell crash site was actually just Harrison Jr. dropping in for a quick visit to perfect his one-handed catch technique.

But it’s not just his physical abilities that make us raise our eyebrows in delightful suspicion. Harrison Jr.’s football IQ and ability to read defenses are eerily advanced. Could it be that he’s tapping into a cosmic playbook that us mere mortals can’t even fathom? Are there Xs and Os etched into the stars, spelling out plays that transcend our earthly understanding?

And let’s not forget about his speed. It’s as if he’s tapping into some kind of warp drive, leaving defenders in a different time zone as he sprints past them. Sure, scientists might try to explain it away with terms like “acceleration” and “muscle fiber composition,” but we know the truth: he’s simply engaging his interstellar hyperdrive.

As for his end zone celebrations, they’re not just the stuff of touchdown folklore – they’re coded messages to his fellow beings across the cosmos. Those intricate handshakes and intricate dances? They’re alien communication protocols that ensure he’s still in contact with his home planet.

So, is Marvin Harrison Jr. an alien? Well, we can’t say for certain, but the evidence is certainly compelling. And let’s be honest, if there’s one thing Earth needs right now, it’s an otherworldly athlete who can bring a little cosmic flair to the football field. So here’s to you, Marvin Harrison Jr., whether you’re from Ohio or Orion’s Belt – your unearthly excellence has us all starry-eyed.